True Adventures of HumboldtJen

Bust Survey

2010-11-30T23:51:00.000-08:00

From a survey by Bust magazine about sex: http://www.surveymonkey.com/s.aspx?sm=6fZXELIm8C8VW1zmC5dbFg_3d_3d

One of the questions - the weirdest place I've had sex -

This is hard...weird is relative. I'm a hostess for sex parties in our area, so I've certainly had sex in a room full of people, I've had sex in a tent at a crowded music festival, in the bathroom at the marina, outside on a mountain top, in my car on the side of the road, in a parking lot and while driving down the road. I've had sex on a military base basketball court, over a hotel railing and in the back of a limo.

The Worm Bin

2010-09-07T08:55:00.000-07:00

I gathered together a couple of old drawers, my drill and some recycled panda plastic.

I cut out the plastic and glued it in as a liner for the drawer.

Here's me with a power tool...making holes in the bottom of the drawers. I'm not sure the holes are big enough. They are suppose to let the liquid byproduct out and be big enough to let the worms through.

For the bedding, I shredded and wetted a few Tri-Cities, and topped that with Foster Compost.

With any luck, the Foster compost had enough worms in it to make this all work. I added some scraps from prep for the last few dinners.

Then I covered it all with leaves from the yard.

Until I find a better place to store the worms, I'll keep them in this large rubber bin so I can collect the liquid

For now, the second drawer is empty. Once the bottom drawer is full of 'black gold', or worm compost, then I'll start putting bedding and cooking scraps in the top and hopefully the holes are big enough for the worms to migrate up...leaving the gold in the bottom for me to use in the garden.

Run away....

2010-09-01T10:34:00.000-07:00

Well, I went to the office yesterday....got some work done.....it felt pretty good. But like Lucy, I think I'm still going to have some splainin to do when a few of my clients call and ask "hey, what's up with my ads?" I'm almost caught up and I think by the end of today or tomorrow, I'll be good to go....go where, I don't know. Wilber Hot Springs would be nice, that's where I took this picture...doesn't she look at peace?

Had a meeting with the girls last night...the meeting before the meeting tonight with the rest of the development board. We seem to not be ready to give up the control...not sure we ever meant to. In my mind, we were asking for help doing the stuff we couldn't get to, not help taking away what we love doing. And now, after the retreat, it seems that we are being asked to give it up what we actually want to be doing. It doesn't feel good, I feel like on the defensive and that's not what I want.

This morning I sent this to the girls:
Sooo...just something to think about....when I told Jillian that we were going to ask folks to back-off, that we were going to call Yellow, she got all butt hurt and said that we were jerking people around. First we want their help, and then when the help starts coming in, we push it all away...she thinks it's too late to ask people to back off....now we're all grumpy at each other, fuck I hate this shit!

I think a good way to phrase tonight may be two fold.....first we have to say that although we knew we wanted help, we apparently did a poor job of being clear about what we wanted help with. We know what we like to do for the Imps, and have an idea of what we need help with...what ended up happening at the retreat was not exactly what we wanted. What seemed to happen at the retreat was that EVERYTHING was thrown on the table, when really, we only want to throw a few things out there. So the first thing is to restate what it is we actually want help with.....THEN we can start talking about who wants to do what and what the decision making process will be. And the second part would be that, after the retreat, we all have a lot to think about AND we have 3 events to put on between now and the end of the year. We are calling Yellow, because we have to rethink what it is we are actually asking for in the business structure, but are still pretty clear about business function - we put on parties, so we need to concentrate on that. Maybe that will work.

Or it could be a midlife crisis....

2010-08-31T17:01:00.001-07:00

Characteristics

This section does not cite any references or sources.
Please help improve this article by adding citations to reliable sources. Unsourced material may be challenged and removed. (February 2010)

Sports cars as a form of conspicuous consumption.

Individuals experiencing a midlife crisis have some of these feelings:

search of an undefined dream or goal
a deep sense of remorse for goals not accomplished
desire to achieve a feeling of youthfulness
need to spend more time alone or with certain peers

They exhibit some of these behaviors:

abuse of alcohol
acquisition of unusual or expensive items such as motorbikes, boats, clothing, sports cars, jewelry, gadgets, tattoos, piercings, etc.
depression
blaming themselves for their failures
paying special attention to physical appearance such as covering baldness, wearing "younger" designer clothes etc.
entering relationships with younger people (either/or sexual, professional, parental, etc.)
placing overimportance (and possibly a psychologically damaging amount) on their children to excel in areas such as sports, arts or academics

Depressed

2010-08-31T09:31:00.000-07:00

I think I'm depressed....according to wikipedia:
Depression is a state of low mood and aversion to activity. Depressed persons may feel sad, anxious, empty, hopeless, helpless, worthless, guilty, irritable or restless. They may lose interest in activities that once were pleasurable, experience loss of appetite or overeating, or problems concentrating, remembering details or making decisions; and may contemplate or attempt suicide. Insomnia, waking early, excessive sleeping, fatigue, loss of energy, or aches, pains or digestive problems that are resistant to treatment may be present.^[1]

I can't seem to do my work....there are some things that have been waiting for weeks for me to finish...and I don't really care....after 11 years there just doesn't seem to be any joy left. But it's good money and I get away with doing nothing for weeks, sooooo......

I haven't been sleeping well....either I'm tired all the time, or I can't sleep, or both!

I feel sad, a bit hopeless, certainly guilty and everyone is fucking irritating!

Food doesn't even excite me right now....Jillian has taken to making the menu, shopping list and even doing a bunch of the cooking.

I wish I could walk away from all the drama that is building over the Imps...the change is emotional and difficult and I just don't seem to have the energy to want to deal with it.

I worry about my Mom and hope she is adjusting to her new life in the hospital....but can't bring myself to be more involved right now.

I'm surprisingly sad about my sister moving to Chicago....seems we were just starting to get along.

Why won't the sun come out in Eureka?!!

And the baby roller coaster is certainly getting to me...we started trying in January, have had 4 unsuccessful attempts.....I can't help but feel like it just wasn't meant for me to be a Mom and have a child....fuck, fuck , fuck!

I want to go away for a few weeks where there is no one but me, Jillian and the pets and the great outdoors....maybe I can figure out what I want to do with my life....I do have vacation time coming...but money has been too tight to plan anything....hoping we can afford a fire look out at the end of September, it's only $35 a night if it's still available.

I worry that my mood is a drain on my relationship with Jillian. Although, truthfully, I feel so much love for her and from her I don't fear for us too much....she really is amazing and seems to be handling my current state of mind pretty good.

I do not feel suicidal.....not even close.

I want to work in the garden, maybe even have a little hobby farm/homestead, and do family research....is there a way to make a good life with that in mind? I am being proactive in the gardening realm.... growing what I can in our yard (the weather this year is not helping!!), looking at what more I can do here at my house.....and I'm looking into participating in the Gardener Training Program at Deep Seeded Community Farm next year. I'm already spending 'too much' time on Ancestry.com....and am annoyed when I have to pull myself away to do 'real work'.

Yard Flowers

2010-08-28T16:33:00.000-07:00

I know the California Poppies, Chamomile, fuchsia and the mint...have not idea what the rest are...but they're in my yard.

Sunshine, Gardens and Babies

2010-08-27T09:41:00.000-07:00

Seems to be all I can think about - sunshine, garden and babies....I'm having a very difficult time keeping my mind on work. I don't know if it's the lack of any sales/marketing training and management at my work, but my desire for work is about nill. If I weren't getting paid as well as I am, I'm sure I would have figured out something more exciting to do with my life. I need a manager who is going to be a little more interactive with me. I mean, sure, it's great to help local businesses and being on commission means that I can give myself a raise (and I certainly don't mean to downplay how awesome that really is)....but I need encouragement and little pats on the head when I've done well....I need someone to ask me what my goals are and then follow up with me about those....I need gold stars.

So much of my job is an uphill battle trying to let people know that I do want to help them, I want their marketing and advertising to work for them as an investment not just take their money...but at this point I've pretty much lost my patience and I just think business owners are too scared and don't want to really want to know about advertising or how it works. They obviously went into business, not to think about marketing, but to do whatever it is that they 'love'.....I try to show them that owning a business and not advertising is like throwing a party and not sending out invitations...can't really be surprised by either when no one shows up.

The pressure of creating a successful advertising campaign is great....we have no real way in radio to prove that it is working. Radio tends to be a slow builder...it's a great way for businesses to get info to people before they need them, but unless the offer is fantastic, it's not that great at immediate results.

I've been doing this for almost 11 1/2 years....I'm unsatisfied. But who am I to bitch....I have a job, a good paying one...it affords me my newish car, my house payments, I get to go to music concerts and festivals and eat good food, I feed the animals and pay my bills...and I have time for the Imps and other extra activities....just no drive for work.

Peek-a-Boo

2010-08-21T08:22:00.000-07:00

We adopted a cat named Boo. We brought him home a few days ago and it's been a difficult adjustment. The first day he hung out in the bedroom, behind closed doors, safe from the dogs. He's an old man, 13 or there abouts we've been told, so I wanted to give him a safe place to adjust. I forgot how much I hate the feel of cat litter on my feet, yuck, yuck, gag! But at least he's using the cat box....can't wait to shift him to outdoor pottying.

One of the reasons we adopted Boo is because where he was, he was not getting the human attention that he desired by being an outdoor kitty. So the first night when he was fairly vocal and active, I just chalked it up to getting to know new people and place. Boy was he vocal, it was difficult to sleep cuz he kept waking me up, walking on my head, crying in my face. The next day we decided to open the bedroom door and let him explore the rest of the house. There was a scuffle between he and the dogs pretty much right away, Indigo came out of the experience with a little bead of blood forming on the bridge of his nose...and the cat ran right back under the bed. Later in the evening Boo adventured out to the top of the bed, Becca, his previous mom, dropped off one of his scratching pads and he was quite happy to go to work clawing it up. I left the door open in hopes of encouraging him to explore the rest of the house....no such luck...he just sat on the bed crying.

Last night when we went to bed, the alarm was set for 6:00 a.m....we have an Imps retreat to attend today and needed an early start...which meant I needed a good nights sleep so I can function all day today. The cat wouldn't shut the fuck up!!! I tried petting it, and then I tried putting the cat outside our room into the main part of the house. Bacon was in her crate and I was pretty sure that Indigo wan't going to mess with Boo after the earlier encounter. The cat just sat outside the bedroom door howling and wailing and scratching....it was driving me insane and I really really wanted to sleep. Finally, at some point in the early early morning, I opened the back door and showed the cat.

Ahhhh.....silence, drifting...drifting back to....ALARM!!! Fuck, 6:00 a.m. already, crap, oh well!

Boo, no where to be found, fuck! Now I've spent time calling the cat, opening cans of cat food, shaking bowl of dry food, calling, calling...no Boo. We have to leave the the Imps retreat in about 30-45 minutes....I'll keep trying. I feel pretty bad.

Muddy Buddies

2010-08-08T22:26:00.000-07:00

I've never, before Friday, had Muddy Buddies. I am now addicted to the chocolaty treats we are renaming Devil Candy, they are so good! Good thing we made only half a recipe...before we made the other half.

We had lots of plans for the weekend, pretty much didn't do any of it. We did get the house kinda clean and I did a bit of yard work. I love the feeling of getting work done around the house and yard, almost as much as I love how it looks when it's all done. But after I did all that work I just couldn't bring myself to leave the house, other than to deal with storage on Sunday...I sure hope my honored friend knows how proud of her I am, and I know the new house got plenty warm without us, as for the new mama-to-be, the borange is strong, I wish you and yours the best!

Annie and Kora got here Saturday afternoon, it's been great hanging out with them. Kora is getting so big, talking whole sentences....and is starting to use the potty! They are asleep on the couch together right now - so precious!

Mom Update

2010-08-07T00:25:00.000-07:00

I cried myself to sleep the other night....it just breaks my heart to think of her alone, with all that chaos and newness, confused and scared, sleeping truly alone in a bed for the first time in at least 40 years. It must be awful for her. I have a hard time not thinking about it, especially in the evenings.

Jillian is great....she is supporting me, letting me cry, even encouraging it, holding me, kissing me gently, rubbing my head. I'm a very lucky lady.

I spoke with Aunt Bonnie last night. She went to visit Mom both Tuesday and Wednesday. They have moved her over one room, the monitor they put on her kept going off because her other room was so close to the front door. Apparently she woke up the first night and didn't know where she was, duh, and started to wander around, looking for the bathroom, I'd guess. Anyway now they have an alarm on her so they can make sure she doesn't get lost.

Bonnie got called into the office when she was there on Wednesday, one of the office folks was filling out paperwork and had not been able to get all the answers from Mom. She didn't know where she had come from, or where she was for that matter. She also didn't know she had children. Does that mean I'm off the hook?

Humboldt County Fair

2010-08-05T13:07:00.000-07:00

The fair is next week....I'm really looking forward to going, I always do. But this year there is more intent to learn. We want to figure out what it will take to buy a cow or a pig from one of the 4-H'ers and have it butchered. We're going to try to make it to the Youth Livestock Auction at 1 p.m. on Sunday the 22.

At the auction we hope to learn a few things. First, how the dang thing works. Things like how to bid and that kind of thing. Second, how much money we're going to have to gather/save over the next year so we can actually pay for meat we're bidding on. Third, what to do with the dang animal after we win. From what I've been told by my friend down at the Ferndale Meat Market, the 4-H'er will pay for the actual killing of the animal, but that I, as the new owner would pay for the butchering of the meat. There's an additional fee for smoking some pieces, like bacon and ham for pork or jerky for beef.

I'm thinking we may need to go in with a few folks on the whole thing to cover all the cost...auction, butchering, smoking, storage in the meat market freezer. I'm pretty sure over the year we'll be saving money though....I'll have to do the math after we go to the auction and see if I can figure that out. But I'm super excited about both supporting local youth, our future local farmers, and eating local meat!

The other thing I'm interested in learning more about are dairy goats. With Cypress Grove Chevre in our back yards and Greg Foster, goat man, as a previous manager, the subject of milk goats has come up over the years with increased frequency. Not sure I want a goat farm, but maybe a couple of goats on the Homestead would be nice. They can help with the brush and we can benefit with goat cheese...mmm! I'm also going to check out chickens for future considerations, and I'd check out ducks too, but I don't think they have ducks at the fair.

I could say more, but I probably shouldn't.

Full Circle

2010-08-04T00:42:00.000-07:00

My sister came to visit on her way to our family get together at Whiskeytown Lake. We had a get together, potluck, at our place and invite a group of Imps. It was a really nice night with great conversations and yummy food with loved ones. As the evening was wrapping up I pulled out a box of pictures that I found among Mom's stuff...pictures from my Mom's childhood as well as my sisters. It was sweet to see that some brought tears to her eyes...it was all very touching.

My Sister has commented on her experience, both at my place and with the family on the lake in her blog Random Rim Jobs. It was great to see her, the older we get the closer we seem to get...of course she's moving to Chicago now.

We visited our Mother while my sister was here. The Alzheimer's is getting worse. They said it would with each move. I'm having a hard time with the guilt of moving her so many times....if only I could have taken care of her, if only I wanted to take care of her...but I don't. There are reasons, we never really bonded, she and Dad split when I was 5. I went with my Dad as my one-year-old sister stayed with my Mom. There was lots of anger and hurt, feelings of abandonment and confusion...on both our parts and what time my mom and I did spend together often ended in physical violence. All that has changed with Alzheimer's. Now my Mom is a scared confused old lady...it's heart wrenching.

I drove Mom to a long term care facility in Redding yesterday. Sadly she was not able to take her little dog Dani with her. I'm so upset at the Public Guardian, they just came and took the dog away when my Mom wasn't looking, not giving her a chance to say good-bye. Once Mom realized it, and it was about 30 minutes or so, she was very sad and cried. All I could do is tell her that Dani had a great new home with people who love her...all a big fat lie, I have no idea what will happen to Dani. I think she's gone to Miranda's Rescue. The thing is, about half way to Redding, my Mom was talking about how much she missed her cat...not her dog. I think she knew she was missing something, but couldn't remember what. What I'm most afraid of, is how she will feel at night, when she is used to having Dani next to her (and many, many dogs before Dani, for most of her life).

My Aunt Bonnie, cousin Tianna, step second-cousin Darrin, Uncle Bucky and cousin Jackson all met us at the hospital. The look on Mom's face once she realized she was going to be staying there almost killed me. But she pulled it together and just accepted the situation. We checked in with the nurses and unpacked what we could of Mom's in the small space provided. She's sharing a room with two other ladies....she's going to hate it. All the commotion and noise upsets her...it upsets me.

Aunt Bonnie said she's going to visit with Mom today and tomorrow, and maybe even Uncle Bucky and apparently Uncle Boyd too once he gets back to town. I really hope their visits help Mom adjust, I think someone will go by at least once a week. I don't know when I will be able to visit again. I cried myself to sleep last night think about how she must feel.

When Jillian and I came home from Whiskeytown Lake Sunday night to pick up Mom, Jillian realized that her cervical mucus was clear and stretchy....she had entered another fertile cycle. So she called Baby Daddy and headed over to his place for a "deposit". Another friend of ours, pregnant with her second child right now, gave us her secret to getting pregnant - using a Diva Cup after intercourse....so we got one and are going to use it this time around. She got another visit into Baby Daddy tonight after we got home...what a trooper! I love her so! And maybe, just maybe, there is a new baby on the way.

Sister Arrival

2010-07-28T07:49:00.000-07:00

It's not as if it's my stepmom is coming, it's only my sister, and her 'friend'...but I am still is a panic trying to get my house clean. Although to be honest, at this point, it's more about getting it straightened up and things put away. There are actually boxes still in the spare room that have not been unpacked since we moved into this house, back in September 2007...but we're getting closer. My sister has never seen the house, so I want to make a good impression.

She's never seen the house, because 'there are too many trees' up here. She lives in the city, SF, and loves the city life. When we were still young enough to be living with our Dad, she had a poster of NY on her wall, said she was going to go there....and she did, at 18, I believe. The day after she graduated high school, a year early (she's a smart one) she moved to LA. When it came time for her to transfer from the local JC to a University, her search included only colleges with 30,000 students or more...that's when she ended up back in the SF area, where she has lived for more than 10 years now. My sister has been up to Humboldt once in that time, before we had the house, for my wedding back in 2005, but that was the last time.

Soon, and I don't know yet how soon, she is moving again, to Chicago this time. I am sad and excited for her at the same time....Borange. I'm going to miss knowing that I can jump in the car and a few hours later be at her place. Although she did not come up here to visit, I went to see her a few times a year. I often stayed at her place when I came to the city for events and workshops, I'm going to miss that! I've never been to Chicago, guess I have the perfect excuse to go now!

Ok....off to get ready for work and do more house cleaning!

Entry from Freedom Gardens blog

2010-07-26T23:00:00.000-07:00

Entry from Freedom Gardens blog

I bought a house a couple of years ago, yep, right before the bottom fell out of the market. I've been lucky enough to be able to hold on to the house, but if I could manage to get more food out of my garden and spend less at the stores, that sure would help. We have a pretty good sized yard with the house on the NE corner of the lot leaving quite a bit of land with southern and western exposure.

Right after we moved in I got "A Slice of Organic Life" edited by Sheherazade Goldsmith....it's a fantastic book full of beautiful pictures and quick, easy tips and directions for projects that help bring one's life more in line with an organic self-sufficient one. I love it and have read it cover to cover getting all sorts of ideas....4-square gardening, worm composting, bees, water catchment, blueberries and so much more.

Then, through a friend on Facebook, I was introduced to the Dervaes Family and their Urban Homestead. Everything I read just excited me more. Another friend showed me the River Cottage website, another very exciting small farm/homesteading site in England. In addition, we have a very healthy farmer's market with farmers who are more than eager to share tips and advice.

I now have a goal to do what I can to make our yard into our own little urban homestead.

I'm interested in connecting with other local urban homesteaders and folks with hobby farms.

Catching up

2010-07-25T17:34:00.000-07:00

I don't really think it's actually possible to catch up on everything..but I'll try to touch on things from past posts at least.

Baby front - we're still not pregnant :( Perhaps that is really why I've slowed down with the posting...that and knowing that it's really for me, the writing and posting, not one else really gives a shit and well, if I'm busy or unmotivated, no one will care, but me. We've tried a total of 4 times now, once with the donor from the sperm bank and three times with G, who we've taken to calling Baby Daddy. Jillian is bleeding now, so in a couple of weeks we'll be trying again. We are really thankful that Baby Daddy is eager and willing and patient....it helps. I've almost gotten to a place now that I'm not thinking about it too much...kind a in a wait til it happens, then I'll get excited mode.

Garden - after all the rain and our crazy mouse problem I finally was able to plant a few things in the raised beds outside on Summer Solstice, June 22nd. We been able to harvest a few green beans, peas, lettuce, cilantro, parsley and strawberries....but to tell the truth, I don't think incorporated enough good stuff, compost, into the used soil I filled the beds with before I planted and now, the garden is looking a bit weak....we'll see.

Dyeing eggs - the natural way.

2010-04-02T10:21:00.000-07:00

Dyeing eggs - the natural way.

I learned this egg dyeing method back when I was a kid...if I remember correctly it was from someone in our church group when we had a craft day or something.

Supplies:

Onion Skins - I gather these from the grocery store, pulling the loose skins from the bottom of the onion bins, Winco works well. I've never been charged anything for them at the check-out counter, I just tell them it's for an art project.

9" x 9" squares of light cotton - We used one of Jillian's old t-shirts and just cut it up. We got 14 'squares' from one shirt. The squares do not need to be exact, just big enough to tie around the egg.

Large pot for boiling

Splash of White Vinegar

First, you lay one of the squares flat on the counter and add a handful of crushed and broken up onion skins. You want enough to form a layer or two around the egg once it's rolled up.

Place an egg in the center of your pile of crushed onion skins.

Next is the only tricky part: The idea is to tie the egg up in such a way that the onion skins are making contact with the shell. I take one corner and fold it over the top of the egg, placing onion skins around the egg as I do. Then, holding that in place, I fold the opposite corner over the egg, again, ensuring onion skins are in contact with the egg. This method leaves the two other corners available to be pulled together and tied, securing the egg and onion skins. There is no right way to do this. As long as you've got onion skins next to the egg shell this should work.

After you've tied all your eggs, place them in a large pot with enough water to cover and float the egg bundles just a bit. I add a couple splashes of white vinegar to the water to help make the magic happen.

Cover the pot and bring to boil. Once the water starts to boil, remove lid and lower temperature and simmer for 15 minutes. You'll notice that the water changes color from the onion skins, that's ok. Since they float a bit, I stir the pot some as the eggs cook, making sure all sides are really getting in the water.

After 15 minutes, I remove the pot form the stove and gently dump out the hot water and start running cold water over the eggs. It takes two or three cold water rinses before the bundles are cool enough to handle. Once they are, carefully untie them as they may still be warm inside.....and behold, your naturally dyed eggs....that I think almost look like marble.

Starting the garden 2010 - Part 2 - Wildflowers, rhubarb and carrots

2010-03-31T18:28:00.000-07:00

Well, last week, when the sun came out, we went to the yard an worked on another step to getting a nice full garden this season. It started with planting the rhubarb bulb in the new large raised bed....I put it in the NW corner of the bed and watered it well. I wanted to plant the carrots right then too, but after reading the directions of the seed package I realized that I needed to soak the seeds over night first...so, they'd go in the next day.

A while back we cleared the two dirt patches on either side of the front porch steps of all weeds, added some soil and treated it with a little Humtea. And last week we finally added our Black Forest Calla and Emily McKenzie Crococmia bulbs to one side and wildflower mix to the other. The mix came from several different sources - promotional shwag from Umpqua and Edward Jones, a b-day card from American Spirits made with paper infused with wildflower seeds, commemorative gifts (forget-me-nots) and wedding party favors, and we mixed them all together and sprinkled a bunch in one bed, a few in the other and rest went onto our little hill. One day that hill will be landscaped into more garden beds, but for now, I'll be happy with being able to go pick wildflowers out of my yard.

Our little starts in the egg crates started out great...see that's broccoli, winter squash, pumpkin, tomato, basil, peas and beans....after 10-14 days. The starts that were left inside on the window sill and treated to the heater vent did much better than the starts in the makeshift greenhouse which was left outside.

I don't win very many contests...but a few weeks ago I won a drawing they did at Pierson's Building Center...I won a flowering cherry tree!! I'm very excited. Here is Jillian standing next to our newly planted tree.

Starting the garden 2010

2010-03-22T01:08:00.000-07:00

This past winter the neighbor across the street from my work put a pile of 'scrap' wood out with a Free sign on it. My good friend and co-worker Mo, who knew I was looking for some wood to build a new raised bed in my front yard, alerted me to the stash. I drove around to load up my car and was happy to find out that it was all old beautiful Redwood, and nice long pieces too. A few days later I rented a circular saw from Don's and and we made this great 10' x 4.5' box on the West side of the house and filled it with soil. I had a couple of strawberry plants that had outgrown their pots so I transplanted them and waited out the winter.

Here's a picture of Bacon hanging out in the sun next to the new bed.

Finally, Spring is here!! Well, today is the 1st day and we already have seeds going. A few weeks ago I went to the store and bought some seed. I decided to try to buy all heirloom, but ended up with some organics and few Squirrel's Choice, which aren't organic, or heirloom from what I can tell, but are varieties that are suppose to grow well in the West. I got a few flowers, nasturtium and sweet peas, to plant along the fence and have to for bouquets for the house along with a bunch of vegies for the bed.

Heirloom

Melting Sugar Peas (Chinese)

Early Snowball Cauliflower

Genovese Basil

Fairytale Pumpkin

De Cicco Broccoli

Black Valentine Bush Beans

Bloomingdale Long Standing Spinach

Organic

Sweetie Tomotoes (cherry)

Squirrel's Choice

Sweet Meat Winter Squash

Bush Peas

Italian Flat Parsley

Cilantro

Lettuce Mix

He-Shi-Ko Green Onions

Davers Half Long Carrots

And we got a few bulbs too - a Black Forest Calla, Emily McKenzie Crococmia and some rhubarb.

I used some recycled egg crates and starting mix for the seed starts.

I lined the separated tops with plastic grocery bags and used them as liners for the bottom. They also doubled as mini green houses once the seeds were planted and I covered the crates with the bags.

I got the bright idea, from something I read on the internet, I'm sure, to use the bed-in-a-bag bag as a greenhouse for some of the starts.

Jillian was a great help for the whole project! It was a nice sunny day so we sat in the sun and made labels for the starter trays.

So once we got seeds in the trays, watered and labeled we set some up in the window in the dining room where there are four big West facing windows and the other ones in my makeshift greenhouse we set on top of the bed that will soon be their permanent home.

It was a very satisfying day and we really enjoyed ourselves working together on our garden.
It's been a few weeks and we certainly have some growth to be excited about...reports and pictures to come!

Photos - road trip

2010-03-17T00:01:00.000-07:00

So the other day we took advantage of the sunny weather and went for a drive. There are so many beautiful places to see in Humboldt County, trying to decide where to go is always a challenge. I pulled up a map of Humboldt on google maps and took a look...Fruitland. map Made me giggle a little, so that's where we headed. I studied the map to find as many 'alternative' routes to our destination as I could. Found a road on the map that turned off 101 at Stafford that looked good....and another one off the Avenue of the Giants south of Berlington going into Weott. The turn off to Fruitland is just south of there. Truthfully, I really didn't have plans pasted Fruitland, I guess I thought we'd turn around. I did study the surrounding area a bit on the map and printed out what I thought we'd need, since I was pretty sure the cell phone, and therefore my imap app wouldn't work out there.

It was a great drive...even though we took neither of the 'alternative' routes, other than Avenue of the Giants - which was still great since Jillian hadn't even driven on it before. The only thing that indicated Fruitland itself, was a sign for the volunteer fire department, I don't even think we saw a post office, but we did come to an intersection in the road and had to make a choice. Turn around and go back the way we came, or keep going and hope the missing section of my printed out map did indeed connect the road that we were on with the one we wanted to be on to get home. We bravely adventured ahead. The condition of the road had gotten worse and worse the further off Avenue of the Giants we drove...and now it was dirt....perhaps we should have turned around? Keep going, I told myself, still plenty of light and if we have to, we can still turn around and head back the way we came....the road, although dirt, wasn't too bad. I sure did miss my Pathfinder though, with it's 4WD and all, would have made me feel just a little bit better/safer. Eventual we came up on a sign that read Road Closed...bummer, guess we were turning around! However, as we drove closer, we figured out that it was a sign for the road turning East off off the one we were traveling. As I inched the car forward we looked down the road and Whoa! We could see a road/bridge across the Eel River and it was all washed out, rather over, the river was flowing right over the road, no wonder there was a road closed sign.

But it gave me the landmark I needed to find ourselves on the map again...we were at the turn off for McCann on the Dyerville Loop, sure felt good to 'know' where we were again, I love the adventure, but I really didn't want to get us lost.

We kept driving and around the corner we saw a beautiful waterfall, two actually, coming off different sides of the hill and merging right there at the side of the road. We stopped and took a few pictures, pretty isn't it? I just love it here!

Warning - Rant

2010-03-08T00:04:00.000-08:00

Ok so have to rant!!! I was going to write a nice blog about all the garden and yard work we did this weekend, but that will have to wait...I'm soooo fucking frustrated and annoyed!

Sometimes people think that as a Hostess I have some sort of authority or responsibility to fix their problems....and I so Fucking Don't!

Here's the story, the other day someone posted the below emails to the Imps group. I have removed all names and made one change in red:

"There are a lot of us on the Imps list. In the last several weeks I have been mistaken a few times for one of the [ladies] that runs the Imps. People on the list have contacted me thinking I was someone else. That's ok. Mistakes happen.

I was just emailed by someone not on the Imps list from what I can tell who was given my email address by someone on this list. That's less ok. I've had people stalk me in my life and I am cautious about giving out my contact info. This may in fact be someone I know, but even if it was I would still have preferred to be asked before my contact info was shared with anyone."

Then this evening another email - again names removed and changes in red:

Thursday, I started this thread. It's Sunday. I've brought up genuine, valid concerns about a personal privacy issue. And no one of any real authority or responsibility has bothered to say anything in response. Xx sent me a letter, offering me sympathy and tendering an apology. While I appreciate that, more than it could be imagined, this wasn't her responsibility. Apologizing and addressing the situation so that it doesn't happen again was the Impresses responsibility.

One of the great bylaws of this community, preached and talked about for hours on end, with great passion, is a law of privacy. My privacy was violated, and I am a member of your community. Shit happens. Mistakes get made. I understand that. But to have someone's concerns ignored because it's inconvenient--or simply "not my problem"--sends a clear message that that person isn't a valued member of that community. And that message was sent to me.

Another bylaw of this community is one of unilateral acceptance and tolerance. Everyone is welcome. And frankly, that hasn't been apparent, to a great many people. People have commented, from the very beginning, that they felt slighted, dismissed, and ignored. I have felt slighted, dismissed, and ignored. I consider myself a member of this community, and this has made it incredibly apparent that I am the only one who does.

I'm leaving this group. I may, in the distant future, attend an event, and I may, in the distant future, rejoin this group. But I will never consider myself a valued member of this community again. As bad as making one person feel like this is, please don't compound your mistakes by repeating them. Fix it.

This was my response to the Imps group:

As one of the other XXs and as one of the Hostesses, I'd like to apologize for not saying anything. I'm sorry that your privacy was violated, that sucks. I really wish people would remember not to give out information. Asspaddle has again and again posted to the group not to give out personal information to people who are not in the group. There seems to be no way of monitoring this behavior in others....and frankly, I do find it frustrating.

I would like to point out something however, this is an all volunteer group. And, although the three Hostesses are the VOLUNTEERS who have stepped up to organize other volunteers, we have no authority over anything or anyone. It saddens me greatly that you think leaving the group is the answer.

But what I really wanted to say.....

Who the fuck do you think I am lady....fix it!?!?!? Fix WHAT? And how exactly am I suppose to do that? My responsibililty as a Hostess to address it so it doesn't happen again and apologize?!?! How the fuck am I suppose to do that?! And really, it's not my fucking problem lady! I cannot control the actions of others, I therefore feel I should not be made responsible for apologizing for what they do! I am truly sorry that you have been stalked in the past, that is scary, I'm sure. However...how can you be sure that the person who gave out your information didn't get it from some source other than the Imps group? Do you only know the giver though the Imps? Is this Imps group the only group you belong to? Do you have a job, go out and meet people, have a facebook page, myspace, in the phone book, ever been in the local paper? It is amazing how easy it is to find contact information for someone these days. I'm not sure you can pin down how someone got your contact information...and again, what the fuck as I suppose to do about it?!?!? If you don't want people to contact you or know you are a member of the Imps, them maybe you should stay in your cave. A valued member of the community???? What have you done of value for the community? Have you volunteered, have you given up hours and days of your life, for no pay, to produce elaborate parties, socials, workshops? Have we met?!?!?! Bylaws of the community?? Can I see those? I didn't know we had bylaws, as a matter of fact, I'm pretty sure we don't!! It amazes me that you think we could or should enforce these laws even if we had them. I'm so fucking sick and tired of having to walk on eggshells around the subject of being a sexually active adult...what is the fucking big deal if 'others' find out that you like sex?!?!?!? I just amazes me that people have to hide the fact, that the fear is so great, that the natural act of being a healthy adult has been twisted into something bad to be hidden and kept secret...get over it already people, who fucking cares that you're fucking?!?!?!?!?!?!?

I could say more, but I probably shouldn't

---

Never too late to start the day over!

2010-03-07T09:47:00.000-08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y0oIzCp8oQA

I really like this song....

And this one too!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ehu3wy4WkHs

And here's something new (to me anyway!)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_t4-Yh9h8xI

Update - baby

2010-03-06T23:11:00.000-08:00

I realized the other day when our friend asked if Jillian was pregnant or not, I hadn't updated the blog. So no, she's not pregnant.....of course we're really sad and I think we've gone through a bit of a depression. One of the things that was so hard to deal with was the fact that she was actually 9 days late....each day giving us a bit of hope. She did a bit of research and found that many women get negative results on pee tests for as long as two to three weeks into pregnancy, we could hope. But it was not to be.

The same day she started her period, we went to our friend's house to talk to them about an idea we had. Previously when Jillian was visiting, G off handedly said he'd give us his sperm in a dixie cup if we wanted. Now we were ready to talk about what he meant, what are our options? Jillian and I talked about what we wanted and what we would need to make it work for us and what our fears are. It was a big decision to switch from sperm bank to a known donor. We would want the donor to sign away his parental rights, but at the same time it was important to us that he be willing to be present and maybe even known to the child. I wanted to make sure that his parents, his mother, the baby's grandma, would not be an issue, would not have an issue with lesbian parents for her grandchild....but we also believe a big family is good, the more to love, the better.

So with that in mind, we went to G's house to ask him a few questions, would he be willing to sign over parental rights? Yes. He views giving us his sperm as a gift.

How does his wife feel about it? She loves the fact that her husband gets this opportunity to father a child. She already has an adult child and doesn't want a baby herself. She's excited to have another baby in the tribe.

What about his parents? His parents want to be grandparents. He believes they will be great grandparents and will accept and love us.

How involved would he want to be? Would love to be as big a part of the child's life as we would like and feel comfortable with.

How public about the arrangement would he be willing to be? Yell it from the rooftops if we wish :)

Who makes the important decisions about the child's life? Again, the child will be ours, we make all decisions for the child.

What about who lives where? Although he'd be bummed to not see his child as often as he's like, he would make no trouble or issue with us if we have to move apart from one another.

Gosh, right now, it seems like a great decision and we are looking forward to moving forward with this new plan. Now the big question...exactly how are we going to get the sperm from him to her? Of course there is the 'traditional' way, but who knows?

Snow and Rainbows

2010-02-25T00:43:00.000-08:00

We made it to Anderson and the Gaia Hotel just fine. They have swans and koi in a big pond that were fun to watch. The round buildings, each with their own central courtyard are set up around the pond. By the looks of the parking lot, there weren't too many people staying there on a Monday night.

Turns out the restaurant I wanted us to go to is closed on Mondays, bummer. We ended up going to someplace else where we over paid for what we got, which was not very much food...the oysters were good though.

Avenue Q was great! We really enjoyed the show, and our front row seats. We were surprised however by the large number of folks who left during the intermission...mostly old folks whom I can only assume were offended by the content. The puppet sex was hot!

The next morning we took our sweet time getting up and moving. Jillian took a shower while I did a bit of work, glad I brought my computer, cuz I was able to take care of a few things. We headed out right at noon and headed over to the outlet mall in Anderson. We had a $300 budget and did great! I ended up with new undies and 3 new bras, seven shirts, four pairs of pants and a skirt...Jillian got a new jacket and bag...and we had money left over. Which was great because we ended up having to stay in town another night.

After eating dinner at In & Out Burger I realized how cold it was getting. I thought to check the road conditions before heading out. Sure enough, chains were required on the 299! Shit, we didn't have chains, it was getting dark and I have no experience driving in the snow! We started looking at alternate routes - down I-5 to 20 and up 101, or up I-5, over 199 and down 101? Either one would be a 6-7 hour trip and I was already tired. I ended up calling the boss and letting him know that I would be staying in Redding area another night, therefore miss the morning meeting and heading home Wednesday.

We stayed another night at Gaia, we couldn't find a better deal anywhere, and really, the room was really nice. On the way to the hotel I took Jillian to her first truck stop...where we found the world's largest rice crispy treat!

The next morning, we got up with the 7 a.m. alarm and were on the road by 8. We ate at the Black Bear Cafe in Redding and checked out the road conditions. And although chains were no longer required on 299, I was still scared to drive Oregon Summit in the early morning. So we headed north into Oregon. Didn't take long before we started seeing snow along the side of the road. It was thickest around Mt. Shasta so we pulled over for a few pictures and to trow a snowball, fun!

We stopped at Macy's in Medford and bought a new bed set...and got a fantastic deal. Somehow the lady working was able to give us the sale prices for this weekend's sale now, and then gave us a deal on a couple pillows, and then another discount on top of that! What should have been $410ish we got for $140ish! And to top it off, these are pictures of the first of two great rainbows that we saw today.

Waiting, Redding and birthday plans - again

2010-02-24T22:36:00.000-08:00

Formatting was funny...trying again:

According to our calendars Jillian should have started her period last Friday....she is now 8 days late, and it's 3 weeks since we did the insemination. She has taken 4 pregnancy tests, this morning the most recent, all negative. We don't know what to think. I do believe I"m handling it better than my dear Love who just either wants to start bleeding or get a positive test result. I, of course, also want to know. So out of our control right now. We'll take another test next Wednesday if she still hasn't started.

Meanwhile, we're going to Redding on Monday to see Avenue Q, it ought to be a fun night! From the Redding Convention Center's webpage:

Avenue Q is Broadway's 2004 Tony Award winner for Best Musical, Best Score and Best Book. A hilarious show full of heart and hummable tunes, Avenue Q is about surviving in NYC with big dreams and a tiny bank account. Called "one of the funniest shows you're ever likely to see" by Entertainment Weekly, Avenue Q features a cast of people and puppets who tell the story in a smart, risque and entertaining way. Contains adult subject matter.

I found us a nice hotel 10 miles south of Redding in Anderson, the Gaia Hotel and Spa, through Expedia. It's new and looks like a nice place, eco-friendly and swans in the pond! And I think we're going to have dinner at Moonstone Bistro out on Placer St. back in Redding, it's gotten some good reviews on Yelp.com. But the hotel has a restaurant too, but not as well reviewed, so it'll depend on our timing on the drive over. We'll go shopping at the outlet mall in Anderson, just south of the hotel, on Tuesday morning before we head home. I need a few new clothes for work and we're hoping to find some good deals. Depending on the weather and time, I'll drive back on 36...I sure love that drive.

Jillian came up with a great birthday trip for me :) It's not til May 6th, but we've got to start planing and saving now. We're going to go to San Francisco and go to the California Academy of Science and maybe the Exploritorium...a total science geek fest, I LOVE it! Knowing us we'll find a couple nice places for food and a cute place to stay. Probably not at my sister's, but I'm sure we'll visit.

And for Jillian's birthday in June, we're going to have some sort of bacon fest...potluck, cook-off or some type of event where she/we get to eat bacon of all sorts. Bacon as breakfast food, as a snack, in lunch sandwiches, part of dinner dishes and covered in chocolate for dessert....I'm excited to see what our friends come up with, there are some great cooks in the group!

~I could go on, I probably shouldn't.

The Fire Down Below

2010-02-18T22:34:00.000-08:00

What a party! We Imps sure do know how to throw a great one, The Fire Down Below was a sexy way to bring in Valentine's Day. At one point, Jillian and I took a walk around the room and there were people getting busy on just about every cushiony surface, it took us a bit to find a good place to sit and relax to take in the sexy sights and sounds.

I had the middle shift as Head Hostess for the night, 10-12, which meant that Jillian and I had time to play before and after my work responsibilities. As a Hostess, I usually have a difficult time being off duty. In the past I've feel like I have to be somewhat aware of what's happening at the party at all times...this has made it difficult for me to relax and play and enjoy the party myself, afraid that at any moment I could be called into action. It's not that I didn't/don't trust the other Hostesses and amazing volunteers to be able to handle any situation that could come up, it's just that the parties are partly my responsibility, as in, my name and money are on the line, and I feel that if an issue does come up I need to be aware....I believe the other Hostesses feel similarly. But as each event goes by, I learn more and more trust and have been getting better at letting go and having fun myself.

It also helps when I take off my glasses. I get distracted easily....this, coupled with the responsibility thing I wrote of above, meant that I pretty much never actually had sex at one of the parties....or if I did, I wasn't able to get off. I need to really relax and allow myself to feel the build-up if I'm ever going to climax...and having my mind worried about all the 'stuff' happening at the party and being easily distracted by shinny things and sexy people, pretty much meant it wasn't going to happen. Even before the Impropriety Society, even all those years during Club Risque, I think I only had sex twice at an event - played plenty in the dungeon, but almost no sex. But that was then....now things are much better for me :) One of the things that helps, taking off my glasses! Because, although I can see right around me and Jillian, I can't really make out anything else, which makes it much easier to let it go and get into the moment.

So, before my shift, Jillian and I made our way to the dungeon. This is one of the best dungeons we've ever had, I think. It was set up in it's own room, with nine stations, if you count the double sided cross as two. There were two spanking benches, a single and double sided cross, a "cherry picker", an old fashioned wooded school desk (from our house), a straight back chair and kneeling bench, and then two wresting mats. We headed over to the mats and immediately tried to tackle each other. It was a pretty fair fight 'til she started tickling....I'm not allowed to tickle back!!!! Didn't take us long to get winded, we're outta shape! After a bit we caught our breath and headed over to the red and purple two tiered spanking bench. Sometimes I forget how young Jillian is and how, although she is a total natural, that playing in public is new and a bit scary....but she is totally overcoming that and was great - I was quite happy with the spanking I got, and my nice warm ass!

After the spanking, we wandered into the other room, where there we found ourselves an empty bed to roll around on. Of course, it was a bed that was up on a platform so I kinda felt like we were on stage...even though the actual stage/performance space was on the other side of the room! This is where taking off my glasses really helped again...when I can't really see what else is going on in the room, it's much easier to concentrate on what happening right in front of me....and in this case, it was Jillian with her amazingly soft skin and delicious curves, her passionate kisses, and firm caresses...the rest of the room just kinda faded away - I love it when that happens, cuz it means that I'm floating on my own little cloud and wonderful things are in the works. Pinch, slap, stroke.....my skin sensitive to her touch, her fingers find my pussy wet, one, two, three fingers in...I start to rock and moan, I can feel the climax starting to build. I push away little thoughts in my brain wondering who's watching, do I look rediculous, is she enjoying this? None of that matters, I just don't want her to stop...'more', I manage to whisper and with a grin, she reaches for the lube and then with a gentle push, slides her whole fist into my eager pussy. Fuck, I do love the feel of that, and before long my whole body was shuddering with pleasure. What a way to get ready for my shift!

The shift itself was pretty uneventful....the biggest issue, and this isn't a new one at our parties, was the crowd of observers in the dungeon. There was a lot going in the dungeon and people wanted to watch...so many that eventually one of the Dungeon Monitors had to do crowd control and only let players in. I love that we have a dungeon at our parties, I like that we are able to show so many newbies what a dungeon could be like....how we set it up anyway, because of course there are a thousand and one ways a dungeon could be arranged. What I love even more than all the newbies watching, are newbies trying! Watching the fear and excitement wash over them as they approach one of the play stations, talking and giggling with their play partner/s, negotiating, rubbing their hands up and down the equipment....someone getting into position, another picking up a new toy, or perhaps just just getting ready to use their hands....a little impact play here, a bit of bondage there, the thrill of discovery.

One of my favorite things of the night was seeing a beautiful transwoman with a stool and a sign which read "Blow Job Queen - In", a la Peanuts style. Her stool flipped over and made for a very nice kneeling bench. Several times I looked over and saw her happily at work. She offered quite a service as I believe that some of the men that were lucky enough to receive a blow job would not have gotten any action that night if it weren't for her.

After my shift we were lucky enough to catch the last of the four performances for the night. Instead of one big show, this time the Imps scheduled one act at the top of each hour. We've gotten great feedback on this format, so I'm sure the Imps use it again. My Love and I got to see someone walk on glass, naked, then lay down on it and have a girl climb on top and start making out with him! Once that was over we were lucky enough to find the same platform bed we had earlier empty, so laid down a fresh sheet and settled for some more fun action. We took our sweet time, taking turns getting one another off, her first, then me....and damn did it feel good! I love the feel of her pussy, the smell, the taste, feeling her get wetter, hotter, softer. I have said many times in the past that often sex is best the first time I have it with someone new, and after that, it just gets boring....that is not the case with Jillian and I, it just keeps getting better, and of course, I'm loving it!

~I could go on, I probably shouldn't.

Not this time.....

2010-02-12T09:36:00.000-08:00

Ok, so the emotional roller coster took a dive this morning...we're not pregnant :( My brain is doing it's job and creating all sorts of excuses and trying to give me encouragement.....but fuck it hurts!!!! We will try again, I've waited far too long to give up now!
We're going to take the next month/cycle to see if we can't get a handle on the right timing. We didn't get a positive result from the ovulation predictor kit, OPK, before we inseminated, so I don't know why I was hoping so much. Thing is, we've never gotten a positive result....I guess the goal now is just to see if we can actually tell when she ovulates. Then it'll be about ordering the sperm at the right time. There was one day, two weeks ago, when we had to decide if we were going to send the sperm back to the bank because we didn't get a positive on the OPK, or just go ahead and inseminate based on our guess as to the right timing....it was either send it back that day, or use it, or let it go bad....at $465 per vile, we had two, + $190 for shipping the tank, it was a hard choice. We'd come so far and we just felt like we couldn't wait any longer and that somehow actually doing it would be good for us, make the whole process more real, so we just went for it....and it didn't work :(
I tried so hard to keep my expectations low, so this part wouldn't hurt so much. I was hoping that having been through this so many times before that it would be less painful, I was wrong.
But the day goes on and we will try again.

53% Accurate

2010-02-09T19:35:00.000-08:00

That's an F in my book, yet it didn't stop us from taking the test anyway. Remember how I said, I hate waiting? Jillian isn't much better.

All the new pregnancy tests in the store these days indicate that you can test 5 days before missed period**....the ** reads - "Testing early: The One Step Pregnancy Test can be used as early as 4 days before you expect your period. That's 5 days sooner that waiting until you miss your period to test. The amount of pregnancy hormone increases rapidly in early pregnancy. In clinical testing with early pregnancy samples, the One Step Pregnancy Test gave the following results:
# of Days before expected pregnancy - 4, % of women getting a "+"(pregnant) result with One Step Pregnancy Test - 53%." The percentage does get better as the days go by, with 87% accuracy the day before the period is suppose to start. and 99% the day one is suppose to start.

We took the test yesterday at lunch, depending on who's calendar we use, she's scheduled to start Friday or Saturday....it was negative. Of course we have given ourselves a million and one reasons not to give up hope just yet - we took the test too soon, took it at noon instead of in the morning, she hasn't actually started her period yet, the test only gets failing results even if it wasn't too early. At the same time we're telling ourselves that we will keep trying, this isn't the end, it's just the beginning, we'd be super lucky for it to work the first time...kinda schizo in my head to tell the truth.

So the plan is to wait til Friday, and take the test again, if she hasn't started to bleed. If it's positive, then we get all excited and start the baby prepping in earnest....if not, first, we take a deep breath, then we book a hot tub, something Jillian won't be able to enjoy once she's pregnant, and we move forward. At this point, I think we'll be skipping February and try to inseminate again in March. Also, originally we had said that if we didn't get pregnant the first time doing it ourselves at home, we'd book an appointment with the Dr., for subsequent tries to do intrauterine insemination, IUI...I think we've changed our minds and are going to try intravaginal, IVI, again at home.

Found Pictures from 2007

2010-02-08T19:22:00.000-08:00

This new header was taken by JWH...I'm pretty sure it's from Bald Hills Rd.

New Mom - Part 2

2010-02-07T23:57:00.000-08:00

I have to make a confession and correction....in Part 1 I said:
"No seriously meaningful relationships developed over the next few years...meaning there was no one that I wanted to start a family with."
And in doing so, completely forgot about one special relationship with the Car Salesman, that is, until he contacted me the other day on fb, we haven't talked in years. The Car Salesman was a great talker. We met at The Rathskeller, the basement bar at the historic Eureka Inn, when I was a cocktail waitress and he was a regular. He said the sweetest things to me, telling me I was the most phenomenal woman he'd ever met....I was young, that stuff worked on me, and he was a dreamy kisser and had an amazing cock. I really liked that cock. I don't remember now exactly how it went down, it was over 12 years ago, but we ended moving in together and making plans for a future together....which for me meant, in part, that we started trying to get me pregnant. Again, despite our efforts, I did not get pregnant. Eventually, after one tell-all counseling appointment, we parted ways.

To be clear, I'm not saying that there weren't any other relationships in those years between my first divorce in 1991 and meeting the Kiwi in 1998, just that most of them were not family worthy.

Now, back to my story -
When the Kiwi first left, I was convinced that she'd be back....yes, I was in denial, but I was still so in love with her that I held on to the dream for several years. Once my heart recovered a bit, and eventually let go of the dream, I started dating again....women. In 2002, the woman I was dating, my Tattooed Beauty, agreed to co-parent with me, I was so happy to again be trying to get pregnant and happy to have someone who I cared deeply for to share in the experience with me.

We had talks about where to get sperm, someone we knew or a sperm bank, and all the pros and cons of each choice. We have fun looking at on-line catalogues of donors - blond hair, brown, black, straight, curly? Green eyes, blue? Short, tall, athletic, musical? We chose an average sized donor, blue eyes, black hair, fair skin, Irish. We were just about to take the next step, make the appointment with the Dr. and move forward with starting our family.

By this time in my life, I had figured out that I wanted to be in an open relationship, and that was the arrangement between the Tattooed Beauty and I....we loved each other, but knew that we would want to have sex with others. We both enjoyed a sex life a bit on the kinky side and fit in great at the Club Risque parties. And as it turns out, I met my second husband, JWH, in 2003 at a Club Risque party. At first it wasn't serious, but it was intense.....the three of us would hang out, trying to navigate the open relationship, dealing with fears and every other emotion under the rainbow.

Then, one day, when we were out, JWH asked me not to go to the sperm bank, but to wait for him and use his. He didn't know how long he was asking me to wait, but knew he wasn't ready just then to be a father. I said yes, I'd wait. By this time my feelings for him had deepened and I could see him being a great father one day. At the same time the Tattooed Beauty was feeling like she need more time and energy from me, I wanted more time with JWH....I had to choose, I chose him.

JWH is a sweet and kind man and the next year, when he gave me a Mother's Day card, indicating that he was ready to start a family, I asked him to marry me. The wedding was March 5, 2005. Before we were even married I started trying to get pregnant.

~I could go on, I probably shouldn't.

Consider the Sparrow

2010-02-07T22:28:00.000-08:00

So, I'm sad to say that I have to change the art in my blog header. I was using a piece by John Wesa, but as you can see from our email exchange posted below, I was not able to get permission to use it, bummer!

I guess I'll use this opportunity to highlight photos I took, or in the current case, ones that my former husband or other friends took.

Jennefer White

to wesa1

Hello,

I've been a fan of your art for years, I just love it! I am in the process of starting a blog, nothing too exciting just a journal really, a place to gather my thoughts and life stories. When I was looking around in my folder titled 'pix from the net' for a picture to use in my header, I came across one of yours, one of the many, I've saved. I was hoping to get permission to use Consider the Sparrow as my blog header. I would, of course, give proper credit to you and provide a link to your website. Would look something like this: http://humboldtjen.blogspot.com/ [of course that's changed now)

Hope you have a great day, I look forward to hearing back from you soon.

jen

Two days later, I heard back from John....

Wesa to me

Dear Jennefer,

Thank you for the compliment. It is humbling. Also, thank you for asking for permission to use Consider the Sparrow. Unfortunately, I will need to ask you to not use it. I have some plans for that image and at this time I only want the exposure of it on my website.

I hope your blog is what you hope to give and get out of it.

Again, thank you for your kind words.

John Wesa

~I could go on, I probably shouldn't.

New Mom at 41 - part 1

2010-02-05T16:02:00.000-08:00

Got a text from my Sister who lives in SF this afternoon, wondering if we were pregnant yet...I assured her we were not and that she'd be among the first to know.

"Ok good. Didn't want to read it on your blog first."

I will be, however, documenting the process and

emotional roller coaster of the whole pregnancy/baby/kid experience here....so, to get ya'll caught up, Jillian and I are trying to get pregnant! We inseminated last Thursday night and Friday morning, January 28th and 29th, and are still waiting to see if it worked.

Waiting, I'm not very good at that. I'm sure my 'I want it now' attitude is a byproduct of my generation. But I've been waiting a long, long, long time for this baby and a few more days isn't going to kill me...at least that what I keep telling myself.

According to my mother, I've wanted to be a mom since I was 5 years old. Why then, you may ask, did I wait until I'm 40 to have one? I can say, now that I have some insight, that the universe was telling me the time wasn't right. But believe you me, I sure wasn't listening and I've spent much time, money and energy trying to get pregnant thus far in my life.

I first got married when I was 20, and I immediately started with trying to get pregnant.

Problem was, my husband had a vasectomy. Being 13 years my senior, and already the father of two amazing boys, he had the surgery before we ever started dating. So he looked the other way while I had an affair with one of his friends, and told me he'd raise the child as his. Boy, if I knew then what I know now (ugg, I'm old enough to say that!), my former hubby and I maybe could have worked out a nice open relationship. But I wasn't too keen on communication back then, didn't have the skills, and never even knew that there was such a thing as open

relationships, and so I cheated, lied, sneaked around. I never did get pregnant and the marriage fell apart, for all sorts of obvious reasons. Two years, 17 days after the wedding, we were divorced.

No seriously meaningful relationships developed over the next few years...meaning there was no one that I wanted to start a family with. I know, that if I had gotten pregnant during this time, I would have taken on the challenge of being a single mom with full gusto. But it didn't happen.

Then, in 1998 I went on exchange to New Zealand for a year. While I was there, I fell in love with an amazing woman, a very talented musician and I just loved her Kiwi accent. She came back to America with me and after a bit, I started talking about commitment ceremonies, family and babies. I wanted to carry our baby, but use her egg...the child would actually be part of us both and I found this very exciting. I made an appointment at the doctor's to have him explain to us how it would work.

"First, I'd put you both on hormones, and get you cycling at the same time" he said. He looked at the Kiwi and said, "yours will be twice as strong, because we want you to super ovulate so when we do the surgery to retrieve the eggs, we'll find more than one fertile egg to harvest."

"Surgery?" she said.

"Yes, we'll go in through your belly button, no real scar is left behind".

We thanked the Dr. for his time and headed out to the car. That was the beginning of the end

for the Kiwi and I. It became clear that we had different goals for our lives....I wanted to be a mom, she wanted to be rock star...really, and I'm proud to say she's making a great go of it.

I always told myself that if I reached 30 and still didn't have a life partner, that'd I'd go through a sperm bank and intentionally become a single mother. It never actually came to that.

I could go on, I probably shouldn't.

Passion

2010-02-04T11:31:00.000-08:00

Work like you don't need the money.

Love like you have never been hurt.

Dance like nobody's watching.

Anonymous

I like to think I'm passionate...not necessarily in the romance department, but I am passionate about many things. So many in fact that, it's sometimes hard to focus.

According to Dr. Bob Maurer, someone whom I'm sure I'll write about at great lengths sometime in the future, passion is the ability to sustain enthusiasm and commitment in times of adversity. So with that in mind, here is my list of things I think I'm passionate about:

First time motherhood, Jillian, cooking and baking (although decidedly not cleaning), Indigo and Bacon, the dog and the food, Humboldt Impropriety Society and all that entails, gardening/urban homesteading, genealogy, traveling, and work at Lost Coast Communications.

These topics are sure to come up in this blog...along with a few that I'm not so passionate about, but, hey, I can't be passionate about everything in life. I'm sure you'll be privy to my homeowner joys and repairs, read about my dealing with family members, maybe you'll share a little envy with me as I wish upon a gadget or two for the kitchen or my office or my yard.

When I asked Jillian, someone who has known me since Fall 2006, what she thought I'm passionate about, her face light up with a smile and she said, "life". Life. I do think of myself as a take action, why not, type of gal; one to forgive fast, with a quick smile and an optimistic look at life and the future. It's out of my control, so I might as well enjoy the ride....with a little push from me in the direction of my passions.

Because of this attitude, I think, I have quite the history of adventures! Although truly a Northern California girl, I've lived in New Orleans, New Zealand, and Hawaii; I've worked on exotic cruise ships and in the majestic Yosemite Valley, as well as dingy dive bars and questionable dinners; I've hiked the Lost Coast Trail solo and taken more than one girlfriend camping for the first time, I've slept in my car, camped out in an abandoned, burned out warehouse, and enjoyed the luxury of a king sized bed in a 4-star Mexican resort. I've got two former husbands and would probably have a former wife, if that were legal, not to mention the many girlfriends, boyfriends and quick fucks I've enjoyed. I've got a lot of stories...and I'd like to share them. Whether they are read or not, at least this way, they'll get written down.

Ok then, basically, this is going to be a place for me to gather my thoughts, share my daily joys and lessons and tell the tales of my adventurous past. My spelling sucks and grammar isn't much better, so we'll see how this goes. enjoy.

~I could go on, I probably shouldn't.