Dark Morning....I should be happier.

I should be happier....and I feel terribly guilty because I am not. 

I have what I've wanted all these years, a partner who adores me, she sees my quirkiness and flaws and still loves me so very much. 

I have what I wanted all these years, an amazingly adorable, bright, beautiful child.  I have what I wanted all those years, a building of tribe, of support, of love. 

I have what I 'need', a roof over my head, food in the cupboards, and I live in a city where there are fantastic things to do.

But I feel vulnerable, dependent, bored, lonely, unmotivated, depressed, unfulfilled....I should be happier.

I moved out of my parent's house when I was still 17, so it's not too surprising that soon after I was asking them for help.  What I got instead was, "You wanted to be an adult, welcome to the adult world, now figure it out!"  I feel like in that same position now....I wanted a kid and everything that goes with that, now I have one, figure it out...and be happy while doing it too.

I'm an extrovert and as such need outside stimulation and other extroverts and nature to engage with.  Somehow I've managed to fall in love with people who are introverts and prefer not to go outside.  I want friends who are outgoing, spontaneous, have a sense of adventure, and push my boundaries (in a good way). 

I have what I wanted all these years....I should be happier.

Or maybe I should just stop shoulding myself and just be. 

This dark feeling will pass....it always does....maybe I'll go for a walk.