Disconnected

I'm feeling so disconnected from the whole concept of 'we're having a baby'.  A whole day can go by without me thinking about it at all....and days will go by without Jillian and I talking about it. We have to constantly remind ourselves that we will have a baby to consider when we are talking about future plans.  I haven't listened to the recording of the heartbeat in almost a week. With April so far away we don't have any physical reminder that there is a baby growing and on the way.  With the apartment so small, we don't have a room to set up for the baby and haven't yet gathered together the new-baby-supplies, so don't have any visual reminders.  We still don't have a name for the baby.  This is not how I thought I'd feel


I'm sure the distance from Humboldt, April and Chris and my self preservation after all those years of disappointment are the cause of feeling so disconnected and unattached...I'm finding it difficult to fully engage and be an excited expecting parent.  I think having Noah also has taken the edge off the new baby drama....well, at least the first baby super excited feelings.  And I feel that I am somehow cheating our baby out of something, some rite of passage.  I have wanted a baby for so long that the longing, the empty cravings, have become part of who I am.  So much so, that now it is difficult for me to change that into happy excitement and tie those specific feeling to the baby April is carrying, the baby we're going to be bringing home.


View Larger Map
And I can't help but think that as I'm feeling more and more disconnected, that April is feeling more and more connected as time goes on...and it scares me.  I want to see the good in it, and I do, I want the baby to feel love and connection and she's the one to give it to him now.  Even if I were in town and closer, this really is her time with him and I want them to have a bond.  As her friend, I am scared for her, for the pain of separation and loss that she is inevitably facing...and I'm finding it difficult to accept my own joy in the situation.

I did go to the bookstore, Powell's, last week and picked up three books; the Dan Savage book my sister recommended, The Kid, a beautiful children's book, To Market To Market, and a general how-to baby book, Heading Home With Your Newborn.  It was difficult picking out just one how-to book, there are so many, who said there isn't a manual?!?!  I'm hoping that reading the books will help switch my baby brain on.  I guess, actually, I'm not too worried - once he is in my arms and I'm holding him close, I'm sure I'll bond with him and all the excited feelings will take over.  Even now, allowing myself to peak through the curtains of my imagination to reality, the feeling of love washing over me as I hold him brings tears to my eyes, I can hardly wait.

One way I plan on building our mother-child bond is to nurse.  There was a huge section just on breastfeeding at the bookstore, even the first chapter in the book I did get is about choosing between breastfeeding and formula.  I want to breastfeed, I want to have that connection with my baby, but more importantly, I want the health benefits for him.  And although many adoptive moms can breastfeed, most have to supplement, and for some reason the idea of formula disgusts me.  We used if for Noah, so I'm familiar, but I did not like it.  There are a few interesting articles out there about formula, like this one from Breast Feeding Mom's Unite, that support my disgust. Anyway, I've been researching different at-breast supplementers and reading up on my options, most popular seems to be Lact-Aid. I'm going to get one and see what happens....best case scenario is, that with the stimulation, I will start producing milk and eventually stop needing the formula.