Sunday, January 13, 2013

Scary Phone Call

Yesterday, while I was waiting for my meeting with the bookkeeper, I checked Facebook, and noticed April had just posted an awesome picture of her sunny new place in Eureka.  I was/am so happy for her and Chris, it looks like it's a beautiful place.  Just then I got a phone call from April.  She was obviously upset, I could tell right away....and I knew it was about the pregnancy.  A wave of panic and fear about the baby washed over me, and almost as quickly I realized that I was actually more concerned for April.  I couldn't imagine how'd she feel if something happened to the baby.  

She said that she'd been feeling contractions and was on her way to the hospital.  She was scared and alone.  I am in Portland, 8 hours away, it was killing me, I wanted to be there with her, and Chris was at work driving old people around.  I was so glad to hear that Chris was able to make it to the hospital after all, to be with her by the time the Dr. came to check on her.  After the visit, she sent a text saying  she was feeling better, the contractions had stopped, the Dr. sent her home and told her to stay in bed for the weekend.  

I asked if she wanted Jillian and I to head down to Humboldt this weekend to help her with anything.  She said that she'd rather have us come after she and Chris move into the new place...so we're planning an mid-February trip.  Hopefully, there won't be any more scary phone calls!

From April's facebook:
We had a scare yesterday. I had hard and fast contractions for nearly two hours before they subsided at the hospital, once I was laying down. Later in the day they would return any time I got up and moved around, but I haven't had any today. We think it is a combination of dehydration and stress. I am on bed rest this weekend, which is really hard, both because I need (want!) to be packing and because it's very painful for me to be in bed all day. The Fibro is acting up this week and I need a balance of rest and movement to keep the pain minimized.

Striving to find the light...it's amazing to know how much support I have in my life, friend and loved ones who want to show up for me (now if I can just get past this damn sense of independence!); Chris and I finally got to exchange Christmas gifts last night and he got me the Amanda Palmer art book, which is awesome and I have the space to thoroughly explore today; and our seamonkey has been dancing up a storm in the belly since the contractions, which is incredibly comforting.

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Disconnected

I'm feeling so disconnected from the whole concept of 'we're having a baby'.  A whole day can go by without me thinking about it at all....and days will go by without Jillian and I talking about it. We have to constantly remind ourselves that we will have a baby to consider when we are talking about future plans.  I haven't listened to the recording of the heartbeat in almost a week. With April so far away we don't have any physical reminder that there is a baby growing and on the way.  With the apartment so small, we don't have a room to set up for the baby and haven't yet gathered together the new-baby-supplies, so don't have any visual reminders.  We still don't have a name for the baby.  This is not how I thought I'd feel


I'm sure the distance from Humboldt, April and Chris and my self preservation after all those years of disappointment are the cause of feeling so disconnected and unattached...I'm finding it difficult to fully engage and be an excited expecting parent.  I think having Noah also has taken the edge off the new baby drama....well, at least the first baby super excited feelings.  And I feel that I am somehow cheating our baby out of something, some rite of passage.  I have wanted a baby for so long that the longing, the empty cravings, have become part of who I am.  So much so, that now it is difficult for me to change that into happy excitement and tie those specific feeling to the baby April is carrying, the baby we're going to be bringing home.


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And I can't help but think that as I'm feeling more and more disconnected, that April is feeling more and more connected as time goes on...and it scares me.  I want to see the good in it, and I do, I want the baby to feel love and connection and she's the one to give it to him now.  Even if I were in town and closer, this really is her time with him and I want them to have a bond.  As her friend, I am scared for her, for the pain of separation and loss that she is inevitably facing...and I'm finding it difficult to accept my own joy in the situation.

I did go to the bookstore, Powell's, last week and picked up three books; the Dan Savage book my sister recommended, The Kid, a beautiful children's book, To Market To Market, and a general how-to baby book, Heading Home With Your Newborn.  It was difficult picking out just one how-to book, there are so many, who said there isn't a manual?!?!  I'm hoping that reading the books will help switch my baby brain on.  I guess, actually, I'm not too worried - once he is in my arms and I'm holding him close, I'm sure I'll bond with him and all the excited feelings will take over.  Even now, allowing myself to peak through the curtains of my imagination to reality, the feeling of love washing over me as I hold him brings tears to my eyes, I can hardly wait.

One way I plan on building our mother-child bond is to nurse.  There was a huge section just on breastfeeding at the bookstore, even the first chapter in the book I did get is about choosing between breastfeeding and formula.  I want to breastfeed, I want to have that connection with my baby, but more importantly, I want the health benefits for him.  And although many adoptive moms can breastfeed, most have to supplement, and for some reason the idea of formula disgusts me.  We used if for Noah, so I'm familiar, but I did not like it.  There are a few interesting articles out there about formula, like this one from Breast Feeding Mom's Unite, that support my disgust. Anyway, I've been researching different at-breast supplementers and reading up on my options, most popular seems to be Lact-Aid. I'm going to get one and see what happens....best case scenario is, that with the stimulation, I will start producing milk and eventually stop needing the formula.