Dark Morning....I should be happier.

I should be happier....and I feel terribly guilty because I am not. 

I have what I've wanted all these years, a partner who adores me, she sees my quirkiness and flaws and still loves me so very much. 

I have what I wanted all these years, an amazingly adorable, bright, beautiful child.  I have what I wanted all those years, a building of tribe, of support, of love. 

I have what I 'need', a roof over my head, food in the cupboards, and I live in a city where there are fantastic things to do.

But I feel vulnerable, dependent, bored, lonely, unmotivated, depressed, unfulfilled....I should be happier.

I moved out of my parent's house when I was still 17, so it's not too surprising that soon after I was asking them for help.  What I got instead was, "You wanted to be an adult, welcome to the adult world, now figure it out!"  I feel like in that same position now....I wanted a kid and everything that goes with that, now I have one, figure it out...and be happy while doing it too.

I'm an extrovert and as such need outside stimulation and other extroverts and nature to engage with.  Somehow I've managed to fall in love with people who are introverts and prefer not to go outside.  I want friends who are outgoing, spontaneous, have a sense of adventure, and push my boundaries (in a good way). 

I have what I wanted all these years....I should be happier.

Or maybe I should just stop shoulding myself and just be. 

This dark feeling will pass....it always does....maybe I'll go for a walk.

They're Moving In.

I'm excited and I wanted to share.  Our open adoption is about to head down an uncharted path...at least for us.  On Thursday we officially start expanding our family in a more deep and meaningful way than ever before.  On Thursday our son's birth mom and half-sister will be moving in with us and a few months later, so will his father.
Let me explain.  My wife and I have known our son's birth parents for many years.  We have worked together, learned together and grown together, and long before our son was born we talked about living together with a close-nit group of folks we call our 'tribe'.  I envisioned something between a commune and a kabbutz. However, by the summer of 2012 we couldn't be further from that dream.  My wife and I were making plans to move at the end of the year, almost 500 miles away to a different state, leaving behind my hopes of communal living...or so I thought.
Six weeks before we were to pack the last of our belongings into the U-Haul, our friends came to us with news....they were pregnant.  Such bittersweet news at the time.  I had been trying to start a family/get pregnant for about 20 years, but to no avail.  Part of the reason for the big move was to help my wife and I to 'move on', and enjoy our lives as DINKs (double income, no kids).  On top of that, my friends were facing some difficult challenges and tough choices about their pregnancy. 
After a few days of deep thoughts, long conversations and soul searching, our friends came to the wife and I and asked us to join with them in an open adoption.  They were clear about wanting to be part of our child's life and just as clear about knowing that we were the correct choice to be his primary care givers, his parents.  It was one of the most emotional, surreal days of my life.  (We said yes!)
My wife and I went forward with our move and attempted to get settled into Portland before the little bundle of joy would come and change our lives forever.  We did managed to make it to two sonograms and a couple of Dr. appointments before he was born. In April 2013 we welcomed our baby boy into the world, all eleven of us!  In attendance were J and me, the birth Mother and Father, our son's half sister and her gf, our doula and his wife,  our very dear friend C, and the Dr. and nurse, of course. And even though the adoption papers were signed the day after his birth, birth Mom and baby stayed together, with us, getting a chance to bond, for about a month.  She even nursed him for his first two weeks giving them both the awesome benefits of doing so.
It's been a year now, our little guy will be one this Easter Sunday and the family is gathering once again.  The past year has given my wife and I time to bond with our baby, given my friend time to heal and mourn the loss of her child, given the birth Dad time to fall in love with his son (a wonderful surprise to him, as he thought that he never wanted to be a father), time for the grandparents, birth, step and adopted, to realize that all are welcome to share their love.  We figure the more love for our son the better.
The more time that goes by, the more I truly feel like our son is really 'OUR' son.  I am excited to share his joys and accomplishments with my friends.  As his birth parents, only they will really understand the glee that we feel as we watch our child grow into a young man.  Which is why we've all decided that the best thing for us and our son is to all live together as one big happy family...so excited!

Wanted

This picture is from http://www.whatibeproject.com/.  It is a picture of one of my favorite artists, Michael Franti.  He looks sad.  And who won't be if they felt that nobody wanted them?  I hope that Lake never feels this way.  I hope that he will always know how much he is loved and how much he is wanted.  I imagine that Michael's adoptive parents told him he was loved and wanted, and yet, it seems that he still felt that he was not....what can we do to help Lake feel secure and held and supported and loved and wanted? 
 

"I am not my adoption."

Respect for single parents

I have a new found respect for single parents.  I can not imagine doing all that it takes to raise a child by myself.  I have awesome support and help raising Lake in my partnership with Jillian.  We are a great team, helping each other when needed, we've gotten into a bit of a routine that works really well for us.  Lake seems to be happy and thriving.  I'm sure if I was trying to do this all alone I'd be much more stressed and not as good at parenting.

One of the things that Jillian and I are good at is taking care of each other when we're sick.  She's better than me, if I'm truthful, lots better.  She will take time off work to care for me and go to the store to get food and meds to make me feel better, even though she hates to drive.  That is exactly what she did yesterday and today when Lake came down with a fever and needed to go to the Dr. for the croup and when I started getting sick myself last night and even sicker today.  Because I knew that she would be there, to take care of Lake, I was able to stay in bed and get the rest I needed.  It would have been very difficult to care for Lake myself in the state I was in.  I really don't know how single parents do it!

About mid-morning, Jillian started feeling really sick too....all three of us sick, what a sad state of affairs.  Pumped full of day-quill I was finally able to get out of bed and help with Lake, albeit, still not feeling my best.  Jillian got a hold of a co-worker who agreed not only to bring us pho for dinner, but to clean up our kitchen a bit too...what an AWESOME and kind thing to do. I really hope we don't get her sick!!!!  With any luck, our little family will be feeling better very soon.

So here's a shout out to all the single parents I know: much respect and love, you are amazing!

January 1st, 2014

Today was a doozy, so glad Jillian had the day off to help.  Lake came down with his first real sickness yesterday and today he was super needy and sad, and wanted to be held constantly.  At one point his fever reach 103.4!  We gave him baby fever reducer and it helped some, he was able to get in a couple 20-30 minute naps, but kept waking up in tears.  I've heard it before and it's true, nothing worse than your baby being sick and there's nothing you can do about it, almost broke our hearts.  
 



Lucky for him (us), by this evening his fever broke and he managed a few smiles and a little laugh, whew! I hope he sleeps though the night :)

I haven't wanted to jinks things by saying something, but Lake had been sleeping through the night for about a month now.  There have been a few exceptions, like last night when he was so sick, but I can't tell you how awesome it is for me to finally be getting some sleep.  I'm hoping that this means that I will have more energy to do things....both around the house and in the community.








Paddle has invited me to join her, and a bunch of others, in finding a word for the year:

 Hello Beautiful People!

As many of you from the Humboldt Area tribe know and participated in, it organically became a tradition for a handful of us to choose a word each year to take to heart, embrace with conscious intention, ponder for ourselves, consider our personal relationship to, use as a tool for growth, challenge ourselves with, sit with, openly embody, etc...whatever made sense for us in relation to our word. Sometimes these words have come to us easily and are obvious, other times, it has taken some time to ruminate on a number of possible words and to consider the parts of ourselves we want to work on or better engage. In whatever case, I have found that the words tend to pick us rather than the other way around, and when you have stumbled into the "right" word, you know it in your bones. 

 

In years past I have not felt drawn to a particular word, but this year I feel one calling to me.  It's still not clear, like a voice calling from a distance, but it's there.  I'm feeling like it may have something to do with being here in Portland and finding my place in the community.  Between being new to town and Lake being born, I really haven't had much chance to get to know this place....I still read the Lost Coast Outpost every day and know more about current events in Humboldt than I do here in Portland.  In the year to come I hope to find an activity/group/volunteer opportunity/work to help me feel more connected to the place we choose to call home for now.