On Sunday November 4th April and Chris stayed behind after everyone one had left Paddle's birthday party....they had something they wanted to tell us. In a effort to to figure out what was wrong with her, April had gone to the doctor who had, on a whim, ran a pregnancy test....it came back positive.
Truthful, when they stayed behind with something to say, I was thinking maybe April wanted to do something special for our going away, a dinner, an intimate get together, something along those lines. But instead, I felt like someone had kicked me in the stomach....life is so fucking unfair. I wanted to scream, cry, trow things, but instead I forced a smile.
But they weren't exactly happy. April has been talking with excitement for some time about her plans for herself after Akacia graduates high school in June. Even thinking that she may head up to Portland, following Jillian, Paddle and I, or maybe working, saving and taking a whole year off to do what ever. Chris, any time it's come up in all the time we've know him, has always professed his love of being childless. So this news, that they had created a real live human, was hitting them hard, and Jillian and I could see it on their faces.
I reached across the breakfast bar and took my friends hand, "what are you going to do?" I asked. They didn't know, they were still in shock...three options really, abortion, carry to term and raise a new child or carry to term and give up for adoption. What ever the decision, Chris is dedicated to standing by April's side and supporting in any way he can. Knowing my friend, I new abortion was probably the least likely option, and I just couldn't image that she could give her baby away, way too much hippy mama love in her, but I could also see that the thought of giving up her dream to start over again with a new baby was crushing her.
We sat outside, and talked. I could feel myself fighting any hint of a thought that she would be able to give up her baby, and preparing myself to embrace the joy that I knew would eventually from the hearts of both April and Chris. I asked her, forgetting for the moment that she knew Chris, prior to now, did not want a child....did she want this child? And how about her health, April hasn't been feeling all that great lately, how would that affect things? So many questions, and they really didn't know the answers or really know what they wanted to do.
I did let her that if they did decide on adoption and they considered anybody other than us, I'd 'punch her in the face'...can't believe I actually said that, but there is it. We talk some more and at one point I said for it to be my dream, she and Chris would do deep heart and soul searching and in the end, decide that they wanted to give the baby to Jillian and I...and we would be able to be excited expecting parents....with no guilt, heartache, or bad feelings. I told her that I couldn't allow my self to even think about that as an option, not yet. In the end, of course, I said that she had to do what was right for her and Chris and the baby....and I would support my friend, in any way that she needed.
They left...I collapse into tears in Jillian's arms....how could life be so fucking unfair!!
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