in AWE

I looked up the word awe today...this is what it said...love the examples:
awe |ô|
noun
a feeling of reverential respect mixed with fear or wonder: they gazed in awe at the small mountain of diamonds | the sight filled me with awe | his staff members are in awe of him.

This is exactly how I'm feeling about April and Chris, I am in awe of them....and I do look forward to gazing upon the small mountain of baby belly in two weeks, the sight of which will surely fill me with awe as I am reminded yet again, that we are starting something beautiful.

April continues to be strong and amazing and inspirational....this from a recent post on her Facebook:

January 20

I've been hearing that when conversations take place about the plan to give this baby up for adoption, there is a lot of concern that I will change my mind. I suppose it is hard for people to imagine my capacity for this. I'm also learning there is a cultural negativity around adoption and birth mothers partly because many do change their minds. I know words won't necessarily ease the fear, but I can say that I know *without a doubt* that I am making the right decision for myself and this child. Since I made the decision I've not had one second of doubt, not one question of whether I may keep him. In my mind and heart this child already belongs to the Mamas more than myself.

This is why I have no doubt - I've raised a boy and a girl to adulthood. I know *everything* I am giving up in a way that young mothers do not. Since I had my first child at 17, what I don't know is an adult life without being a full-time mother. I've never made adult choices that don't take another human into consideration. In fact, I've made a lot of choices specifically for my children rather than myself, including where I live and how I make a living. I don't know what it is to make choices based purely on my own needs and desires. I need and want to experience a life that is entirely my own. I've been quietly looking forward to it for 21 years. I know I will experience significant grief when I let my son go, but I'm not really afraid of grief. It's just another part of this dance of life. What I am afraid of is not knowing who I am beyond being a mother.

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• Rebbecca Caya, Kate Ornberg Knight, Fairbee Max and 17 others like this.
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  Rebbecca Caya Well said, my friend. We all are here in Portland loving you, wishing you all were here with us. xoxo

  January 20 at 12:53pm · Like · 1
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  Jennefer White OMG....we're getting a baby!!!

  January 20 at 1:06pm via mobile · Like · 6
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  Libby Monstarr You are beautiful and wonderdull

  January 20 at 1:26pm via mobile · Like · 2
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  Kris FireHeart Love.

  January 20 at 1:58pm · Like · 1
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  Tara Drobnick you inspire me repeatedly! thank you for being you.

  January 20 at 2:45pm via mobile · Unlike · 2
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  Rhonda Hallock We love you April...and Jen White and Jillian Harbaugh are going to be the best mama's in the world to the seamonkey...and you and chris will be the best amma's ever! Good choices all around!

  January 20 at 8:16pm · Unlike · 3
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  Autumn Reid I am so pleased with this adoption, in so many ways. : )

  January 20 at 8:40pm via mobile · Like · 1
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  Kim Wester xoox

  January 20 at 9:24pm · Like · 1
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  Kari Doherty reading that gave me the chills. you're an inspiration. love you april

  January 20 at 11:51pm · Unlike · 2
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  Yvonne Doble Love and blessings. I trust in your knowing.

  January 21 at 9:06am via mobile · Unlike · 2

Scary Phone Call

Yesterday, while I was waiting for my meeting with the bookkeeper, I checked Facebook, and noticed April had just posted an awesome picture of her sunny new place in Eureka.  I was/am so happy for her and Chris, it looks like it's a beautiful place.  Just then I got a phone call from April.  She was obviously upset, I could tell right away....and I knew it was about the pregnancy.  A wave of panic and fear about the baby washed over me, and almost as quickly I realized that I was actually more concerned for April.  I couldn't imagine how'd she feel if something happened to the baby.  

She said that she'd been feeling contractions and was on her way to the hospital.  She was scared and alone.  I am in Portland, 8 hours away, it was killing me, I wanted to be there with her, and Chris was at work driving old people around.  I was so glad to hear that Chris was able to make it to the hospital after all, to be with her by the time the Dr. came to check on her.  After the visit, she sent a text saying  she was feeling better, the contractions had stopped, the Dr. sent her home and told her to stay in bed for the weekend.  

I asked if she wanted Jillian and I to head down to Humboldt this weekend to help her with anything.  She said that she'd rather have us come after she and Chris move into the new place...so we're planning an mid-February trip.  Hopefully, there won't be any more scary phone calls!

From April's facebook:
We had a scare yesterday. I had hard and fast contractions for nearly two hours before they subsided at the hospital, once I was laying down. Later in the day they would return any time I got up and moved around, but I haven't had any today. We think it is a combination of dehydration and stress. I am on bed rest this weekend, which is really hard, both because I need (want!) to be packing and because it's very painful for me to be in bed all day. The Fibro is acting up this week and I need a balance of rest and movement to keep the pain minimized.

Striving to find the light...it's amazing to know how much support I have in my life, friend and loved ones who want to show up for me (now if I can just get past this damn sense of independence!); Chris and I finally got to exchange Christmas gifts last night and he got me the Amanda Palmer art book, which is awesome and I have the space to thoroughly explore today; and our seamonkey has been dancing up a storm in the belly since the contractions, which is incredibly comforting.

Disconnected

I'm feeling so disconnected from the whole concept of 'we're having a baby'.  A whole day can go by without me thinking about it at all....and days will go by without Jillian and I talking about it. We have to constantly remind ourselves that we will have a baby to consider when we are talking about future plans.  I haven't listened to the recording of the heartbeat in almost a week. With April so far away we don't have any physical reminder that there is a baby growing and on the way.  With the apartment so small, we don't have a room to set up for the baby and haven't yet gathered together the new-baby-supplies, so don't have any visual reminders.  We still don't have a name for the baby.  This is not how I thought I'd feel


I'm sure the distance from Humboldt, April and Chris and my self preservation after all those years of disappointment are the cause of feeling so disconnected and unattached...I'm finding it difficult to fully engage and be an excited expecting parent.  I think having Noah also has taken the edge off the new baby drama....well, at least the first baby super excited feelings.  And I feel that I am somehow cheating our baby out of something, some rite of passage.  I have wanted a baby for so long that the longing, the empty cravings, have become part of who I am.  So much so, that now it is difficult for me to change that into happy excitement and tie those specific feeling to the baby April is carrying, the baby we're going to be bringing home.


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And I can't help but think that as I'm feeling more and more disconnected, that April is feeling more and more connected as time goes on...and it scares me.  I want to see the good in it, and I do, I want the baby to feel love and connection and she's the one to give it to him now.  Even if I were in town and closer, this really is her time with him and I want them to have a bond.  As her friend, I am scared for her, for the pain of separation and loss that she is inevitably facing...and I'm finding it difficult to accept my own joy in the situation.

I did go to the bookstore, Powell's, last week and picked up three books; the Dan Savage book my sister recommended, The Kid, a beautiful children's book, To Market To Market, and a general how-to baby book, Heading Home With Your Newborn.  It was difficult picking out just one how-to book, there are so many, who said there isn't a manual?!?!  I'm hoping that reading the books will help switch my baby brain on.  I guess, actually, I'm not too worried - once he is in my arms and I'm holding him close, I'm sure I'll bond with him and all the excited feelings will take over.  Even now, allowing myself to peak through the curtains of my imagination to reality, the feeling of love washing over me as I hold him brings tears to my eyes, I can hardly wait.

One way I plan on building our mother-child bond is to nurse.  There was a huge section just on breastfeeding at the bookstore, even the first chapter in the book I did get is about choosing between breastfeeding and formula.  I want to breastfeed, I want to have that connection with my baby, but more importantly, I want the health benefits for him.  And although many adoptive moms can breastfeed, most have to supplement, and for some reason the idea of formula disgusts me.  We used if for Noah, so I'm familiar, but I did not like it.  There are a few interesting articles out there about formula, like this one from Breast Feeding Mom's Unite, that support my disgust. Anyway, I've been researching different at-breast supplementers and reading up on my options, most popular seems to be Lact-Aid. I'm going to get one and see what happens....best case scenario is, that with the stimulation, I will start producing milk and eventually stop needing the formula.

Heart Beats and Surprises

Before we left Humboldt, Jillian and I got to got to two doctor appointments with April and I went with her to the orientation meeting at the birth center.  At the fist appointment, we were hoping to hear the heartbeat.  I was all giddy, Jillian was pretty excited too....and I think it's perfect that April chose to wear her red shirt with the word 'love' spelled out in glitter.

The day before, at the orientation, April and I had a good talk.  I was starting to feel weird, almost like I was being disrespectful of April's feeling and process, by being happy myself. I am so overwhelmed with wonder and amazement that I finally get to be a Mom.  I've wanted it for so long, tried so many different paths to get here, but never thought it'd happen like this.

I can't imagine how it must feel for April and Chris to process through this situation.  I know that I have a very biased point of view when I think that April or Chris' parental instincts will kick in and they may change their mind or that they must be sad, or upset, or traumatized in some way, because the pregnancy was unplanned, and unwanted and they have to 'deal' with the situation.....but it's not what I'm finding to be the case.  Although they did not plan for a child, and are facing a painful separation period, both seem to be so full of love when they talk of open adoption.

When I told April how I felt, about my fears of being disrespectful and my desire to honor her process, she just smiled at me, the way she does, through her eyes and with her whole face, and told me that they are not going to change their minds and I can be as happy as I want.  She is so strong and amazing. I can't even begin to put into words how grateful I am that they trust Jillian and I to raise this baby they have created.

So anyway, the three of us, the Mamas, all filed into the exam room.  We met the Dr., he and April talked about her previous unpleasant birthing experiences and how things could be different/better this time.  Then he did a quick exam and out came the Doppler and up went my excitement...Jillian and April giggled at me, but I didn't care.  After moving the wand around for a few very long seconds we could hear it....the heartbeat!  I pulled out my iphone and recorded 20 beautiful seconds.  If I could figure out how to attach a sound bite I would, but alas.  I listen to it all the time, makes me emotional, well up and cry most times...I can feel it deep in my chest.  I am so glad to have been there for that!

A week later there was the second sonogram appointment.  April actually called to ask how many people she could bring with her to the appointment - it ended up being Jillian and I, Chris and April and Akacia and Erin. 

The teen girls we were funny, nervous and semi grossed out but eager to see what there was to see.  We all piled into the exam room and April laid down, the gel was applied and soon we were able to make out little body parts on the screen....tiny head, spine, legs, hands.  Baby's legs were crossed and hands in front of the little face so the technician had to move around quite a bit to see everything.  The most amazing part, the heart.  We could see all 4 chambers, we could see the little valves opening and shutting and beating away...it was a trip!  Everything looked great.

Then she asked us if we wanted to know the sex of the baby.  From the first sonogram we all got the hint that it was probably a girl.  Jillian and I even picked a name....a name we really like, it's not common, it's easy to spell, it honors a dear friend - Zeva Rosalie Harbaugh.  So when the technition said that she was pretty sure she knew what it was, but wanted to get a better picture for us, my heart began to race, there was talk amongst the parents...maybe it's not a girl.  After a bit of manipulation, the tech was finally able to give us what she wanted, a picture of a baby penis....we're having a boy!! We are totally happy, we really don't care if it's a boy or a girl, but now we have to find a boy name...suggestions?

12-12-12

12-12-12, Wednesday

We're unpacking today.  Our new place in Portland, all 673 square feet, seems smaller than before, now that it has boxes piled everywhere.  I have no idea how we're going to fit everything in.  Did manage to get my office space in such a state that I can sit and do a bit of work.  And unpacked three-quarters of the kitchen stuff.  Even though we got rid of a bunch of stuff in Eureka as we packed, I think there is another trip to Goodwill in our near future.

Today we also took our first Portland bus trip and I opened a p.o. box, got Oregon auto insurance, and registered Little Localvore with the State and signed up for an SBDC orientation.

Adoption Agency

A while back, when talking with my sister about our issues with CA State Adoptions and Humboldt County foster care system, she recommended that I read a book by Dan Savage about his adoption experience, The Kid. I read a bit of it on-line, but never got the book...it's now on the short list.

When I told Suzanne about this baby and our situation/opportunity, being the lawyer she is, she pretty much went straight to the legal stuff....after congratulating us, of course.  She wanted to know if April and Chris were going to sign over custody, would there be issues with us living in Oregon and them being in California, and where is the baby going to be born?  I told her that yes, it is their plan to have us adopt the baby, and I had no idea if there would be an issue with us being in different States and the baby will be born in Humboldt (like me...Frumboldt).  Then Suzanne sent me the  link for Open Adoption and Family Services in Portland, the same adoption agency Dan Savage used.

I went to their web site and immediately liked what I read.  They have a bunch of videos to watch, everything from their administrators, to birth parents, adoptive parents, and the kids themselves.  I watched them, tears running down my cheeks all the while...such beautiful stories, so much love and great strength and courage. Yes, this is the agency I want to use.  It gave me so much hope and faith that the four, well five, of us could totally do this. 

I gave Open Adoption and Family Services a call and was able to talk with someone right away.  Lori walked me through the process, we have what is called an identified adoption and she explained to me how that works.  She emailed us an info sheet with more details.  One of the big surprises, and truthfully disappointments, was finding out that Jillian and I would still have to go through the State and have a home study before we can adopt...and pay $6500 for the privilege.  But it's going to be worth it, every last penny.

Annoucemnet

Seeing the baby in the sonogram made things seem way more real...although even now I'm still in a bit of disbelief.  I thought about telling friends and family; but how to tell them, what to tell them, if I should tell them?  Truthfully, I've been trying for a baby for so long and have been so open about it all, that I was beginning to feel a bit like the girl who cried baby. What would people think? What if I told people and then April and Chris changed their minds?  

The more I thought I about it I realized that first, I needed to check with April and Chris and see how they felt about telling people. Second, I really didn't want us to keep the news to ourselves, I wanted to yell it from the tree tops so all would know, and third, I knew my friends would be happy for me, even if they've heard it from me a thousand times over.

So after the sonogram, and after talking with Chris and April over a post appointment lunch, we decided to make the announcement now.   Jillian and Chris called their parents, I sent an IM to Suzanne and an email to my Dad. We all posted on Facebook and the response was overwhelmingly awesome with people congratulating us all around.  

Facebook postings below:

November 8

.....so....this is our baby....17 weeks old....due mid April 2013. I can not even begin to express the love that Jillian I have for her (we think) birth parents. April Cheri and Eros Razorburns have honored us with the responsibility of ra

ising the child they have created (through magic) and we could not be happier. I know this picture doesn't really show much, but that's her spine, head on the left, leg and foot on the right. We will have much better pictures in 3 weeks after the next sonogram.

• John H. Skyhawk, Monica Topping, Shari Damron and 47 others like this.
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  Linda Jo Alexander so amazing!! Congrats:)
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  Christopher Escarcega Wow! This is so excellent on so many levels.
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  Juleigh Norwood Great blessings! This couldn't be more perfect! xox<3 span="span">
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  Kate Trower Congratulations
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  Dave Berman Wow. Just wow.
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  Rhonda Hallock I am so very excited for all of you!
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  Kati Barrett w0w
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  B Angelica Marquez Oh my gods!!! Congratulations all!
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  Heather Goodwin This is so exciting!!! Congrats!
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  Silas Knight Words do not express my squee at this news.
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  Kate Ornberg Knight Eeeeeeeeeeeeee! This is the best game of We Win I have ever heard of!!!!
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  Gini Noggle Ho. Lee. Shitsnacks. Congrats & best of luck & much love to all of you!
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  Jessica Seidel That's. So amazing congratulations I'm soo excited to meet the new blessing yo our family. I love. U
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  Laura Lamers congrats

  November 8 at 6:29pm · Unlike · 1
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  Jennifer Aspittle I have not stopped sobbing for joy for all involved. This is a miracle baby in so many ways. It is almost unimaginable for me to fathom how the bonds of family and love continue to strengthen and deepen and grow. I love you all soo deeply. This is the greatest thing ever.
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  Julie Zelazny I am so happy for the 2 of you!! COngratulations!
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  Kim Arnold Parenthood is magic..on so many levels. I applaud the birth parents for thier gift..WHAT A GIFT. Get ready for the ride girls..its a fun..and hilarious one.Take the time to enjoy it.
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  Callie Vita Ahhh this is incredible! All hail the amazing people loving this miracle into reality!

  November 8 at 6:56pm · Unlike · 4
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  Libby Monstarr No one has to get me an xmas present this news is good enough for me. I have prayed that you two would be blessed with a child for so long. Im am full of squeeee and leaking happy tears

  November 8 at 7:11pm · Unlike · 6
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  Deborah Addington Miracles abound, and more family to love! Squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

  November 8 at 7:14pm · Unlike · 5
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  Erin Peterson Lots of tears of happiness. I am so happy for all of you. I love giant non-traditional families!! It makes me so happy to think of such a special baby growing up with so many loving and devoted people caring for her. How amazing it is when things work out so much better than anything that could have been planned. Three moms....that's even better than two!!

  November 8 at 7:20pm · Unlike · 8
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  Laura Lamers Even if you are in Oregon I can still knit baby stuff for you. I love making baby things
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  Rob Thompson Wow. I am officially blown away. and apparently leaking.
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  Hidee-lee Morris
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  Kari Doherty You women continue to amaze and inspire me. I love you so much.
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  Sara Dronkers Oh my goodness!
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  Lark Doolan Wow. Thank you for sharing this exciting news! Mazal Tov!!!
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  Yvonne Doble So much LOVE!
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  Anastasia Gambill I had no idea! Congratulations : )
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  Jennefer White Anastasia, we didn't know before yesterday either!! All still so new and exciting....think I know another place you can send your hand-me-downs

  November 8 at 10:54pm
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  John H. Skyhawk AWESOME Jen. What a great mom you will be
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  Katy Stern Congrats
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  Anastasia Gambill I will keep some things aside for you : )
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  Calleaghn Kinnamon Congratulations!!!!! I cannot say how much happy I have at this NEWS!!!!! woooooohoooooooo!!! It feels *perfect*.
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  Kami Kimble Oh my!!!! I do believe in miracles, I do I do!!!!
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  Kristin Bradfield wonderful! Congratulations!
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  Monica Topping Congratulations, mama! This just brought tears to my eyes. This is going to be one of the most loved and appreciated babies, ever.  

  April Cheri shared your photo.

  My life continues to be an amazing adventure in the unconventional. Now we know why my body has been even wonkier than usual the last four months. :)

  • You, Rebbecca Caya, Karen Nicole Echegaray, Fairbee Max and 17 others like this.
  • 

    Heather Jacobson Wait...what!?
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    Amy Beth Barnes I know... what up, Mz. April??
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    April Cheri We found out we were pregnant a week ago, we actually thought I had fibroids before the just-in-case test came back positive. I don't want to be a full-time mother again. Chris has never wanted children. One of my best friends has been longing for a baby for years. And they are open to us having whatever relationship we want with the child, which is really the only way I could do this because I am such a mama. It seems like it's meant to be. We will be our own special kind of family.
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    Jessica Seidel Thank u for giving my aunt her blessing of a life time. U truely are an amaxig woman!!!
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    Jennifer Aspittle I am profoundly in awe of your strength, generousity, and grace. I bow to you.
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    Deborah Addington Squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! More of our family to love!!!!!!!!!!!
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    Rhonda Hallock It's really awesome...knowing all of you, this shall be one luck little lady
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    Crystal M Trulove Omigosh, April, this is beautiful. So beautiful.
  • 

    Laura Granados How fortuitous that this would yield positive results for so many! congrats, everyone
  • 

    Kayce Rasmussen WOW. Thats cool! So happy for all of you. And can't wait to see what a april and chris baby looks like... I bet really really really cute!! Congrats to all four of you.
  • 

    Christy Seidelhuber Wow - Amazing
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    Calleaghn Kinnamon Wow. I am so full right now. I hardly know what to say. But you know- that never stops me.
    My ex husband and I did this for my best friend 12 years ago. It has been one of the singular most amazing experiences of my life. I'm like you- I could not do it without being a part of his life. How wonderful to actually know and love people in a similar scenario. So rare! I'm stunned joyful. There's been so much love, so much extension of family for us. I can totally see this beauty for you all. Everything in me says "YES!". I'm SO freakin excited for you!!!! Congatulations, one and all! I'm feeling the love.
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    Maureen Burke Thank you April. You have made my friend unspeakably happy. You are a Goddess.
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    Amy Beth Barnes Congratulations, April, to you and your beautiful growing family. Best of luck with this, your next adventure!
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    Jennifer Aspittle Way to one up me on being a good partner :)~
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    Calleaghn Kinnamon ha!
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    Fairbee Max Wow-wow-wow!!! !!!
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    Monica Topping This is incredible, April. Such a loving and selfless way to handle this surprise, and boy will this little creature be appreciated. So much love to you all.
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    Jordi B Rude To all of you. You all are so awesome and exceptional in so many ways. This little being is very lucky!!!

      

    Chris Miller

    November 8 via mobile

    its official... The announcement has gone out. The world needs to prepare. April and I, and Jennefer and Jillian have a little monkey on the way. I am terrified and excited and worried and ready and so not. I am filled with love!!! I am part of a family!!!

    Unlike ·

    • You, Rebbecca Caya, Jennifer Aspittle, Kate Ornberg Knight and 37 others like this.
    • 

      Iris Ponsano So wonderful!
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      Marianne Keller Amazing. Much love to you all.
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      Rhonda Hallock Little monkeys are the best! Unconventional lovin' at its best!
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      Jennifer Aspittle You always have been part of a family, you monkey
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      Erin Peterson Lucky little monkey!
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      Juleigh Norwood This is so awesome!
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      Susie Slack ahhh...congradulations! i bet u'll make a great dad
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      Am'thyst Q. Sloan Wow. Congratulations to you all!
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      Poppy Dust wow
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      Calleaghn Kinnamon Congratulations!!!!! I'm so so so happy for you guys. What an adventure! What a beautiful thing. Much love.
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      Lori Wellborn What a wonderful family to be born into.
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      Fairbee Max Life is an A-M-A-Z-I-N-G adventure!!! xoxoxo

      Chris Miller

      November 9 via mobile

      Told mother last night.... This morning she calls at the butt crack of dawn to confirm that it really IS happening.... That its not some sick joke. Apparently she thinks I'm a sadistic bastard too.

      Like ·

      • Jennifer Aspittle, Autumn Reid and B Angelica Marquez like this.
      • 

        Jennefer White Well, you are...but one with the biggest heart around! I look forward to meeting her.
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        Rita Dominic Sooo, are you getting a Costa Rican baby monkey or... A baby baby? Confused! Thought you had a vasectomy. ? Reverse surrogacy?
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        Kati Texas Congratulations, you sick bastard.