Picking his name.
For
a few weeks, when we first found out about the pregnancy and went to
our first sonogram with April, we thought we were having a
girl. That night after the sonogram, Jillian and I went home and picked
out a beautiful name for a girl, one that we both loved and had very
significant meaning for us...Zeva Rosalie Harbaugh.
Picking
a name for a girl went so smooth, that it was a bit surprising to us,
once we found out we were having a boy, not a girl, how difficult it was
to find a name we agreed on. We didn't like any of them. We were also in the middle of packing up the house in Humboldt and getting ready to move to Portland, so I suggested that we give it a rest until we moved, that our brains would have more time to ponder the possibilities when we were less stressed about the move.
A few weeks later we started up again. We had rules for picking the name - couldn't be in the top 100 names,
couldn't be hard to spell or pronounce, it couldn't be 'uniquely'
spelled (like my name), didn't want it to start with J since both our
names do, nor the letter E since both of Jillian new nieces are Eden and Emily. Being list makers we just kept adding and scratching off names. We were re-watching Battlestar Galactica so had names like Apollo and Helo on the
list, also Malcolm, Finn, Jasper, even William made on the list in a
moment of desperation along with many others....like Funfetti.
As time went on we were feeling more and more frustrated....and then Paddle came to the rescue. That woman has an awesome talent for naming things. She's the one that came up with the name for The Impropriety Society, and most of the names for the events we had. She's even changed her own first name, finding one that fit her better. So sensing our frustration, she came over and started helping us pick a name for our baby....she must of thought we were being difficult because we just didn't like anything.
We finally did decided on both the middle and last names, so that was a start. We always agreed that Harbaugh would be the family name and that I would change my name legally to match. For the middle name, we decided that we really liked how Rosalie honored our dear friend Annie, so wanted something as meaningful and powerful for our boy too. So we decided on Cooper....I really like the name, and even considered it for a first name, and we felt good about giving him April's last name. April will always be part of him and in his life, but we like how this adds an extra bond for them.
So there were were.....Something Cooper Harbaugh. Some more time went by and Paddle come over and tried again. This time we came up with a short list to share with Jillian's Mom and brother when they came to visit. I can't remember all the names, Drake was on the list, Thor was one, River was another, and Lake was on there too. At first I laughed at the name Lake while Paddle tried to tell me what a cool, strong name it is. I was sure Jillian's mom would laugh at it too. But it turns out, she didn't, she like most of the names on the list....although she did ask that we don't name him Thor.
At this point Jillian finally reached total frustration and was done with the whole process....she told me to pick - Lake or River. I sent a text to Paddle for advice, she assured me we wanted a calm Lake, not a turbulent River. And then, pulled the partnership card! She said, that if April 'gets' to have the baby, and I 'get' to raise the baby, then she should get to name the baby. So Lake Cooper Harbaugh he is...I can hardly wait to meet him!
Friday, April 5, 2013
Thursday, April 4, 2013
Only a few more days.....
I have friends and family who love me, Jillian is amazingly supportive and is holding up great, I have a great business idea, I am smart and resourceful, April is strong and not afraid to face the loss, Chris is dedicated to being connected to his child, we will have Deborah and Lo to help us process and progress through the next intense phase, and Jillian and I will work together to find the best way to navigate all those important decisions that we will be face with while raising up this child.
So Excited!
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
Front Loading
Although 'front loading' could be something quite gross, especially when thinking about our immediate future, in reality, it's my way of preventing things from getting too gross. I am so grateful that I've had the time to get semi-settled into Portland before the SeaMonkey comes.
I've been able to get Little Localvore up and running for the most part. So far I've work on a business plan, gotten licenses and permits, submitted applications and been accepted to area farmers markets, secured a kitchen rental and insurance, ordered jars, created labels, got business cards, a door magnet for the truck and banners for my market booth, found an amazing on-line merchant site to work with, hired a web guy, wrote a handful of product descriptions, am writing text for the web page, working on relationships with area farmers, and have had a run through with making and jarring baby food and setting up the booth and selling it at market. Since I've been here I've had 3 SBDC meetings, attended the NW Food Processor Association Expo, FoodWorx and the Farmer-Chef Connection event.
The first market went as well as could be expected....I had Jillian there to help set up and cover for breaks and it was a nice sunny day. The vendors next to me were both very nice, goat cheese on one side and candied nuts on the other....it smelled so good. I sold 11 jars of food which was enough to cover my booth fee, and met some great people...including Lorelie and her parents. Lorelie really loved the Awesome Apples and got to be in a video on Facebook eating them at home for the first time.
I've also gathered a collection of books that I'm slowly making my way though, People Before Profit, Locavore's Dilema, The Mighty Gastropolis, The Food Truck Handbook, Super Baby Food, and Sell Your Specialty Food. (I have managed to finish both The Kid and Bringing Home Your Newborn during this time).
Jillian got her job with he State, and that takes a whole load off our minds. She starts next week after she returns from her trip to Utah. She gets to be the patient for someone's dental hygiene board exams. Apparently her teeth and gums are 'just right' for the test, according to the folks at the dental school here in Portland. And since one of their students needs to take the test, they are paying to fly Jillian out to Utah for three days and putting her up and feeding her and giving her cash to boot...oh and her teeth get cleaned.
We did take a trip to Humboldt last month to make sure we had baby things all lined up (as much as we can right now) and to have a baby shower. April is really showing now....our little SeaMonkey is growing big. It was nice to see some of our Humboldt loves during our visit, it's what I miss the most about being here in Portland...especially Noah.
We got to go to a doctor appointment with April and I got another recording of the baby's heartbeat, every time I listen to it, I well up. Midwife said everything is looking good and progressing as it should. Even though she's been having contractions, almost daily since January, all of April's test have come out great....the only thing they are going to check on this week is to see if our little guy is head down like he should be, or needs a bit of coaching to get there. As of this week, April is off work, so now she can rest at home and get ready for this big transition.
We went ahead and hired Tracy Rain to help us with the adoption process. She's never done one before, but I know she's well connected, knows who to ask when she has questions, and will take good care of us. We have now also dropped off all our paperwork and $1500 to Open Adoptions and are waiting to set our home study appointment. Jillian is going to have to take half a day off from work for the assessment, so needs to actually start her job before she can ask for the time off. We tried to make so she wouldn't have to ask during her first few days, but there doesn't seem to be any other options. Adoption Horizons has also been paid for April and Chris' assessment and they just need to set that appointment so that can be taken care of as well.
So....I feel like I've front loaded as much of the predictable prep work as possible and we are now set up to just roll with Little Localvore, Jillian's work and the adoption once the baby comes.
I've also gathered a collection of books that I'm slowly making my way though, People Before Profit, Locavore's Dilema, The Mighty Gastropolis, The Food Truck Handbook, Super Baby Food, and Sell Your Specialty Food. (I have managed to finish both The Kid and Bringing Home Your Newborn during this time).
Jillian got her job with he State, and that takes a whole load off our minds. She starts next week after she returns from her trip to Utah. She gets to be the patient for someone's dental hygiene board exams. Apparently her teeth and gums are 'just right' for the test, according to the folks at the dental school here in Portland. And since one of their students needs to take the test, they are paying to fly Jillian out to Utah for three days and putting her up and feeding her and giving her cash to boot...oh and her teeth get cleaned.
We did take a trip to Humboldt last month to make sure we had baby things all lined up (as much as we can right now) and to have a baby shower. April is really showing now....our little SeaMonkey is growing big. It was nice to see some of our Humboldt loves during our visit, it's what I miss the most about being here in Portland...especially Noah. 
We went ahead and hired Tracy Rain to help us with the adoption process. She's never done one before, but I know she's well connected, knows who to ask when she has questions, and will take good care of us. We have now also dropped off all our paperwork and $1500 to Open Adoptions and are waiting to set our home study appointment. Jillian is going to have to take half a day off from work for the assessment, so needs to actually start her job before she can ask for the time off. We tried to make so she wouldn't have to ask during her first few days, but there doesn't seem to be any other options. Adoption Horizons has also been paid for April and Chris' assessment and they just need to set that appointment so that can be taken care of as well.
So....I feel like I've front loaded as much of the predictable prep work as possible and we are now set up to just roll with Little Localvore, Jillian's work and the adoption once the baby comes.
Saturday, February 2, 2013
in AWE
awe |รด|
noun
a feeling of reverential respect mixed with fear or wonder: they gazed in awe at the small mountain of diamonds | the sight filled me with awe | his staff members are in awe of him.
This is exactly how I'm feeling about April and Chris, I am in awe of them....and I do look forward to gazing upon the small mountain of baby belly in two weeks, the sight of which will surely fill me with awe as I am reminded yet again, that we are starting something beautiful.
April continues to be strong and amazing and inspirational....this from a recent post on her Facebook:
I've
been hearing that when conversations take place about the plan to give
this baby up for adoption, there is a lot of concern that I will change
my mind. I suppose it is hard for people to imagine my capacity for
this. I'm also learning there is a cultural negativity around adoption
and birth mothers partly because many do change their minds. I know
words won't necessarily ease the fear, but I can
say that I know *without a doubt* that I am making the right decision
for myself and this child. Since I made the decision I've not had one
second of doubt, not one question of whether I may keep him. In my mind
and heart this child already belongs to the Mamas more than myself.
This is why I have no doubt - I've raised a boy and a girl to adulthood. I know *everything* I am giving up in a way that young mothers do not. Since I had my first child at 17, what I don't know is an adult life without being a full-time mother. I've never made adult choices that don't take another human into consideration. In fact, I've made a lot of choices specifically for my children rather than myself, including where I live and how I make a living. I don't know what it is to make choices based purely on my own needs and desires. I need and want to experience a life that is entirely my own. I've been quietly looking forward to it for 21 years. I know I will experience significant grief when I let my son go, but I'm not really afraid of grief. It's just another part of this dance of life. What I am afraid of is not knowing who I am beyond being a mother.
This is why I have no doubt - I've raised a boy and a girl to adulthood. I know *everything* I am giving up in a way that young mothers do not. Since I had my first child at 17, what I don't know is an adult life without being a full-time mother. I've never made adult choices that don't take another human into consideration. In fact, I've made a lot of choices specifically for my children rather than myself, including where I live and how I make a living. I don't know what it is to make choices based purely on my own needs and desires. I need and want to experience a life that is entirely my own. I've been quietly looking forward to it for 21 years. I know I will experience significant grief when I let my son go, but I'm not really afraid of grief. It's just another part of this dance of life. What I am afraid of is not knowing who I am beyond being a mother.
- Rebbecca Caya, Kate Ornberg Knight, Fairbee Max and 17 others like this.
Rebbecca Caya Well said, my friend. We all are here in Portland loving you, wishing you all were here with us. xoxo
Rhonda Hallock We love you April...and Jen White and Jillian Harbaugh are going to be the best mama's in the world to the seamonkey...and you and chris will be the best amma's ever! Good choices all around!
Sunday, January 13, 2013
Scary Phone Call
Yesterday, while I was waiting for my meeting with the bookkeeper, I checked Facebook, and noticed April had just posted an awesome picture of her sunny new place in Eureka. I was/am so happy for her and Chris, it looks like it's a beautiful place. Just then I got a phone call from April. She was obviously upset, I could tell right away....and I knew it was about the pregnancy. A wave of panic and fear about the baby washed over me, and almost as quickly I realized that I was actually more concerned for April. I couldn't imagine how'd she feel if something happened to the baby.
She said that she'd been feeling contractions and was on her way to the hospital. She was scared and alone. I am in Portland, 8 hours away, it was killing me, I wanted to be there with her, and Chris was at work driving old people around. I was so glad to hear that Chris was able to make it to the hospital after all, to be with her by the time the Dr. came to check on her. After the visit, she sent a text saying she was feeling better, the contractions had stopped, the Dr. sent her home and told her to stay in bed for the weekend.
I asked if she wanted Jillian and I to head down to Humboldt this weekend to help her with anything. She said that she'd rather have us come after she and Chris move into the new place...so we're planning an mid-February trip. Hopefully, there won't be any more scary phone calls!
From April's facebook:
We had a scare yesterday. I had hard and fast contractions for nearly two hours before they subsided at the hospital, once I was laying down. Later in the day they would return any time I got up and moved around, but I haven't had any today. We think it is a combination of dehydration and stress. I am on bed rest this weekend, which is really hard, both because I need (want!) to be packing and because it's very painful for me to be in bed all day. The Fibro is acting up this week and I need a balance of rest and movement to keep the pain minimized.
Striving to find the light...it's amazing to know how much support I have in my life, friend and loved ones who want to show up for me (now if I can just get past this damn sense of independence!); Chris and I finally got to exchange Christmas gifts last night and he got me the Amanda Palmer art book, which is awesome and I have the space to thoroughly explore today; and our seamonkey has been dancing up a storm in the belly since the contractions, which is incredibly comforting.
She said that she'd been feeling contractions and was on her way to the hospital. She was scared and alone. I am in Portland, 8 hours away, it was killing me, I wanted to be there with her, and Chris was at work driving old people around. I was so glad to hear that Chris was able to make it to the hospital after all, to be with her by the time the Dr. came to check on her. After the visit, she sent a text saying she was feeling better, the contractions had stopped, the Dr. sent her home and told her to stay in bed for the weekend.
I asked if she wanted Jillian and I to head down to Humboldt this weekend to help her with anything. She said that she'd rather have us come after she and Chris move into the new place...so we're planning an mid-February trip. Hopefully, there won't be any more scary phone calls!
From April's facebook:
We had a scare yesterday. I had hard and fast contractions for nearly two hours before they subsided at the hospital, once I was laying down. Later in the day they would return any time I got up and moved around, but I haven't had any today. We think it is a combination of dehydration and stress. I am on bed rest this weekend, which is really hard, both because I need (want!) to be packing and because it's very painful for me to be in bed all day. The Fibro is acting up this week and I need a balance of rest and movement to keep the pain minimized.
Striving to find the light...it's amazing to know how much support I have in my life, friend and loved ones who want to show up for me (now if I can just get past this damn sense of independence!); Chris and I finally got to exchange Christmas gifts last night and he got me the Amanda Palmer art book, which is awesome and I have the space to thoroughly explore today; and our seamonkey has been dancing up a storm in the belly since the contractions, which is incredibly comforting.
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
Disconnected
I'm feeling so disconnected from the whole concept of 'we're having a baby'. A whole day can go by without me thinking about it at all....and days will go by without Jillian and I talking about it. We have to constantly remind ourselves that we will have a baby to consider when we are talking about future plans. I haven't listened to the recording of the heartbeat in almost a week. With April so far away we don't have any physical reminder that there is a baby growing and on the way. With the apartment so small, we don't have a room to set up for the baby and haven't yet gathered together the new-baby-supplies, so don't have any visual reminders. We still don't have a name for the baby. This is not how I thought I'd feel
I'm sure the distance from Humboldt, April and Chris and my self preservation after all those years of disappointment are the cause of feeling so disconnected and unattached...I'm finding it difficult to fully engage and be an excited expecting parent. I think having Noah also has taken the edge off the new baby drama....well, at least the first baby super excited feelings. And I feel that I am somehow cheating our baby out of something, some rite of passage. I have wanted a baby for so long that the longing, the empty cravings, have become part of who I am. So much so, that now it is difficult for me to change that into happy excitement and tie those specific feeling to the baby April is carrying, the baby we're going to be bringing home.
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And I can't help but think that as I'm feeling more and more disconnected, that April is feeling more and more connected as time goes on...and it scares me. I want to see the good in it, and I do, I want the baby to feel love and connection and she's the one to give it to him now. Even if I were in town and closer, this really is her time with him and I want them to have a bond. As her friend, I am scared for her, for the pain of separation and loss that she is inevitably facing...and I'm finding it difficult to accept my own joy in the situation.
I did go to the bookstore, Powell's, last week and picked up three books; the Dan Savage book my sister recommended, The Kid, a beautiful children's book, To Market To Market, and a general how-to baby book, Heading Home With Your Newborn. It was difficult picking out just one how-to book, there are so many, who said there isn't a manual?!?! I'm hoping that reading the books will help switch my baby brain on. I guess, actually, I'm not too worried - once he is in my arms and I'm holding him close, I'm sure I'll bond with him and all the excited feelings will take over. Even now, allowing myself to peak through the curtains of my imagination to reality, the feeling of love washing over me as I hold him brings tears to my eyes, I can hardly wait.
One way I plan on building our mother-child bond is to nurse. There was a huge section just on breastfeeding at the bookstore, even the first chapter in the book I did get is about choosing between breastfeeding and formula. I want to breastfeed, I want to have that connection with my baby, but more importantly, I want the health benefits for him. And although many adoptive moms can breastfeed, most have to supplement, and for some reason the idea of formula disgusts me. We used if for Noah, so I'm familiar, but I did not like it. There are a few interesting articles out there about formula, like this one from Breast Feeding Mom's Unite, that support my disgust. Anyway, I've been researching different at-breast supplementers and reading up on my options, most popular seems to be Lact-Aid. I'm going to get one and see what happens....best case scenario is, that with the stimulation, I will start producing milk and eventually stop needing the formula.
I'm sure the distance from Humboldt, April and Chris and my self preservation after all those years of disappointment are the cause of feeling so disconnected and unattached...I'm finding it difficult to fully engage and be an excited expecting parent. I think having Noah also has taken the edge off the new baby drama....well, at least the first baby super excited feelings. And I feel that I am somehow cheating our baby out of something, some rite of passage. I have wanted a baby for so long that the longing, the empty cravings, have become part of who I am. So much so, that now it is difficult for me to change that into happy excitement and tie those specific feeling to the baby April is carrying, the baby we're going to be bringing home.
View Larger Map
And I can't help but think that as I'm feeling more and more disconnected, that April is feeling more and more connected as time goes on...and it scares me. I want to see the good in it, and I do, I want the baby to feel love and connection and she's the one to give it to him now. Even if I were in town and closer, this really is her time with him and I want them to have a bond. As her friend, I am scared for her, for the pain of separation and loss that she is inevitably facing...and I'm finding it difficult to accept my own joy in the situation.
I did go to the bookstore, Powell's, last week and picked up three books; the Dan Savage book my sister recommended, The Kid, a beautiful children's book, To Market To Market, and a general how-to baby book, Heading Home With Your Newborn. It was difficult picking out just one how-to book, there are so many, who said there isn't a manual?!?! I'm hoping that reading the books will help switch my baby brain on. I guess, actually, I'm not too worried - once he is in my arms and I'm holding him close, I'm sure I'll bond with him and all the excited feelings will take over. Even now, allowing myself to peak through the curtains of my imagination to reality, the feeling of love washing over me as I hold him brings tears to my eyes, I can hardly wait.
One way I plan on building our mother-child bond is to nurse. There was a huge section just on breastfeeding at the bookstore, even the first chapter in the book I did get is about choosing between breastfeeding and formula. I want to breastfeed, I want to have that connection with my baby, but more importantly, I want the health benefits for him. And although many adoptive moms can breastfeed, most have to supplement, and for some reason the idea of formula disgusts me. We used if for Noah, so I'm familiar, but I did not like it. There are a few interesting articles out there about formula, like this one from Breast Feeding Mom's Unite, that support my disgust. Anyway, I've been researching different at-breast supplementers and reading up on my options, most popular seems to be Lact-Aid. I'm going to get one and see what happens....best case scenario is, that with the stimulation, I will start producing milk and eventually stop needing the formula.
Monday, December 17, 2012
Heart Beats and Surprises
I can't imagine how it must feel for April and Chris to process through this situation. I know that I have a very biased point of view when I think that April or Chris' parental instincts will kick in and they may change their mind or that they must be sad, or upset, or traumatized in some way, because the pregnancy was unplanned, and unwanted and they have to 'deal' with the situation.....but it's not what I'm finding to be the case. Although they did not plan for a child, and are facing a painful separation period, both seem to be so full of love when they talk of open adoption.
When I told April how I felt, about my fears of being disrespectful and my desire to honor her process, she just smiled at me, the way she does, through her eyes and with her whole face, and told me that they are not going to change their minds and I can be as happy as I want. She is so strong and amazing. I can't even begin to put into words how grateful I am that they trust Jillian and I to raise this baby they have created.
So anyway, the three of us, the Mamas, all filed into the exam room. We met the Dr., he and April talked about her previous unpleasant birthing experiences and how things could be different/better this time. Then he did a quick exam and out came the Doppler and up went my excitement...Jillian and April giggled at me, but I didn't care. After moving the wand around for a few very long seconds we could hear it....the heartbeat! I pulled out my iphone and recorded 20 beautiful seconds. If I could figure out how to attach a sound bite I would, but alas. I listen to it all the time, makes me emotional, well up and cry most times...I can feel it deep in my chest. I am so glad to have been there for that!
A week later there was the second sonogram appointment. April actually called to ask how many people she could bring with her to the appointment - it ended up being Jillian and I, Chris and April and Akacia and Erin.
The teen girls we were funny, nervous and semi grossed out but eager to see what there was to see. We all piled into the exam room and April laid down, the gel was applied and soon we were able to make out little body parts on the screen....tiny head, spine, legs, hands. Baby's legs were crossed and hands in front of the little face so the technician had to move around quite a bit to see everything. The most amazing part, the heart. We could see all 4 chambers, we could see the little valves opening and shutting and beating away...it was a trip! Everything looked great.
Then she asked us if we wanted to know the sex of the baby. From the first sonogram we all got the hint that it was probably a girl. Jillian and I even picked a name....a name we really like, it's not common, it's easy to spell, it honors a dear friend - Zeva Rosalie Harbaugh. So when the technition said that she was pretty sure she knew what it was, but wanted to get a better picture for us, my heart began to race, there was talk amongst the parents...maybe it's not a girl. After a bit of manipulation, the tech was finally able to give us what she wanted, a picture of a baby penis....we're having a boy!! We are totally happy, we really don't care if it's a boy or a girl, but now we have to find a boy name...suggestions?
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