Depressed

I think I'm depressed....according to wikipedia:
Depression is a state of low mood and aversion to activity. Depressed persons may feel sad, anxious, empty, hopeless, helpless, worthless, guilty, irritable or restless. They may lose interest in activities that once were pleasurable, experience loss of appetite or overeating, or problems concentrating, remembering details or making decisions; and may contemplate or attempt suicide. Insomnia, waking early, excessive sleeping, fatigue, loss of energy, or aches, pains or digestive problems that are resistant to treatment may be present.^[1]


I can't seem to do my work....there are some things that have been waiting for weeks for me to finish...and I don't really care....after 11 years there just doesn't seem to be any joy left.  But it's good money and I get away with doing nothing for weeks, sooooo......


I haven't been sleeping well....either I'm tired all the time, or I can't sleep, or both!


I feel sad, a bit hopeless, certainly guilty and everyone is fucking irritating!


Food doesn't even excite me right now....Jillian has taken to making the menu, shopping list and even doing a bunch of the cooking.


I wish I could walk away from all the drama that is building over the Imps...the change is emotional and difficult and I just don't seem to have the energy to want to deal with it.

I worry about my Mom and hope she is adjusting to her new life in the hospital....but can't bring myself to be more involved right now.

I'm surprisingly sad about my sister moving to Chicago....seems we were just starting to get along.

Why won't the sun come out in Eureka?!!

And the baby roller coaster is certainly getting to me...we started trying in January, have had 4 unsuccessful attempts.....I can't help but feel like it just wasn't meant for me to be a Mom and have a child....fuck, fuck , fuck!


I want to go away for a few weeks where there is no one but me, Jillian and the pets and the great outdoors....maybe I can figure out what I want to do with my life....I do have vacation time coming...but money has been too tight to plan anything....hoping we can afford a fire look out at the end of September, it's only $35 a night if it's still available.

I worry that my mood is a drain on my relationship with Jillian.  Although, truthfully, I feel so much love for her and from her I don't fear for us too much....she really is amazing and seems to be handling my current state of mind pretty good.

I do not feel suicidal.....not even close.

I want to work in the garden, maybe even have a little hobby farm/homestead, and do family research....is there a way to make a good life with that in mind?  I am being proactive in the gardening realm.... growing what I can in our yard (the weather this year is not helping!!), looking at what more I can do here at my house.....and I'm looking into participating in the Gardener Training Program at Deep Seeded Community Farm next year.  I'm already spending 'too much' time on Ancestry.com....and am annoyed when I have to pull myself away to do 'real work'.