Got a text from my Sister who lives in SF this afternoon, wondering if we were pregnant yet...I assured her we were not and that she'd be among the first to know. "Ok good. Didn't want to read it on your blog first."
I will be, however, documenting the process and
emotional roller coaster of the whole pregnancy/baby/kid experience here....so, to get ya'll caught up, Jillian and I are trying to get pregnant! We inseminated last Thursday night and Friday morning, January 28th and 29th, and are still waiting to see if it worked.
Waiting, I'm not very good at that. I'm sure my 'I want it now' attitude is a byproduct of my generation. But I've been waiting a long, long, long time for this baby and a few more days isn't going to kill me...at least that what I keep telling myself.
According to my mother, I've wanted to be a mom since I was 5 years old. Why then, you may ask, did I wait until I'm 40 to have one? I can say, now that I have some insight, that the universe was telling me the time wasn't right. But believe you me, I sure wasn't listening and I've spent much time, money and energy trying to get pregnant thus far in my life.
I first got married when I was 20, and I immediately started with trying to get pregnant.
Problem was, my husband had a vasectomy. Being 13 years my senior, and already the father of two amazing boys, he had the surgery before we ever started dating. So he looked the other way while I had an affair with one of his friends, and told me he'd raise the child as his. Boy, if I knew then what I know now (ugg, I'm old enough to say that!), my former hubby and I maybe could have worked out a nice open relationship. But I wasn't too keen on communication back then, didn't have the skills, and never even knew that there was such a thing as open
relationships, and so I cheated, lied, sneaked around. I never did get pregnant and the marriage fell apart, for all sorts of obvious reasons. Two years, 17 days after the wedding, we were divorced.
No seriously meaningful relationships developed over the next few years...meaning there was no one that I wanted to start a family with. I know, that if I had gotten pregnant during this time, I would have taken on the challenge of being a single mom with full gusto. But it didn't happen.
Then, in 1998 I went on exchange to New Zealand for a year. While I was there, I fell in love with an amazing woman, a very talented musician and I just loved her Kiwi accent. She came back to America with me and after a bit, I started talking about commitment ceremonies, family and babies. I wanted to carry our baby, but use her egg...the child would actually be part of us both and I found this very exciting. I made an appointment at the doctor's to have him explain to us how it would work.
"First, I'd put you both on hormones, and get you cycling at the same time" he said. He looked at the Kiwi and said, "yours will be twice as strong, because we want you to super ovulate so when we do the surgery to retrieve the eggs, we'll find more than one fertile egg to harvest."
"Surgery?" she said.
"Yes, we'll go in through your belly button, no real scar is left behind".
We thanked the Dr. for his time and headed out to the car. That was the beginning of the end
for the Kiwi and I. It became clear that we had different goals for our lives....I wanted to be a mom, she wanted to be rock star...really, and I'm proud to say she's making a great go of it.
I always told myself that if I reached 30 and still didn't have a life partner, that'd I'd go through a sperm bank and intentionally become a single mother. It never actually came to that.
I could go on, I probably shouldn't.
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